I got to bed late so slept in...nice. I had a dream. I and someone I like and trust and look up to were helping the good doctor move. There were little kids there. Things were a little messy and scattered and unsettled. She was calm. Beautiful! My heart was lifted, just to see her again even from a distance. I felt her energy; the magic of her. Made my heart ache! I guess I woke up before anything else when on. I was just nervous and uneasy about coming face to face with her. She always made me feel comfortable - so don't know why. I'm sure she understood what went on with me - back then.
In a way it was comforting. I awoke feeling refreshed and ready to go.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
A mother of a nightmare
You see I'm not real thrilled about my mother - never was. She was demanding, intimidating, conditional, without affection, correcting, humiliating, and controlling. I was her humble companion and servant. Ugh! A dreadful childhood accompanied by daily bickering, arguing and fighting. They should have been divorced! He was absent mentally and emotionally. He was jealous. If he did pay attention to me then she was jealous! It was sickening!
Anyway, last evening I was reading a book by Brian L. Weiss, M.D. called "Same Soul, Many Bodies". A great read, by the way, until I got to the forgiveness part towards the end. To forgive is to heal. To patch up and make amends is to heal or is it heel (like a dog). No thanks - never in a million years. And she (he either, none of them) better not come into my life ever again - not in this one and not in any future life. I mean it when I say I never want to see them again. It's been three happy, wonderful, painless years that I'm rid of all of them. I rejoice the day I escaped their greedy, holier-than-thou mitts. What a bunch of hypocrites!
Let's put it this way, I'm on a higher universal, heavenly plain then they are. I'm a more advanced soul. Without confrontation, because I do not wish to "fix" I wish to escape and get the hell out and away from them. To confront would mean that I want to make change and a possible amends - no way! I don't even care "that" much. Good bye! Good riddance!
Last evening while reading the book about the part saying we can only move on if we make amends and forgive I thought a definite "no". Do you want to see her dead? Spending the rest of my life in prison doesn't make much sense to me! So, regardless of advice and what the written word (on any one's page) may tell you one has to do what one's gut tells them to do. My ex could never figure this out either. She thought amends would be nice. I think they kept bugging her or she compared mine with her idea relationship with her mother, Rita too, Liz too. But psychologist, yes, more than two or three, have told me that my family relationship is none of their business. The business is between myself and the evil one. I never had words. You see the woman was always one sided - her side. She's a little crazy herself. She always ignored my life; my life style, and then when I tried to help her at one point - she fired back that I read too many books and how could Lou stand to live with me? Right then and there I knew I was dealing with a crazy woman. Her mother was the same way. A really, really, selfish woman! My step-sister, whoever her father is, that was all under the rug too, to protect Arlene, is the same way.
I figured it was better to just stay away. Actually, I''m done! And when I'm done; I'm done. So maybe I should continue correspondence with Marcia. I don't know. But, I should get "it" to that point again where I need time for myself again. Well, she married, she lives far away, gas is expensive, and he raising her grand son now. It's like - let it go! Well, she's first born and first born feel they have to be Catholic perfect! I hate the Catholic church!
So, I had this dream last night I was trying to escape up a rung-less ladder away from her, my mother. I was trying to hide at the same time and be quiet as I heard her voice coming closer behind me; she was speaking, having a conversation with someone. So far, she didn't know I was there. I so wanted to escape. I had to wake myself up. I was becoming so exhausted as my footing kept slipping away from under me as I tried to climb up the wall. I couldn't take it any more and woke myself up. I had read in that god-awful-book about making amends before I could go on. And now I have decided that a "man" a "human being" wrote those words collectively from past life and future life dreams of people regressed or progressed into the future by hypnosis. I'm not there yet. I don't ever want to witness her evil spirit again in present, past or future tense. Please! I've had enough!
I only want love in my life and she (and they) have messed me up. I can't accept love for some reason. I don't know love. No one has ever purposed me - while boys have (but I'm a lesbian). The only women I have had or the ones that I have gone after - why is that? And then I get them; but then I become putty; a mere puppet and I lose myself in the relationship. After a while when I can't take it anymore I abruptly leave. While it eats at me. I try to make it work and then suddenly one day I know that it can't and I have to leave; get out of the relationship.
I know that if I had an affectionate, loving, warm woman who was beautiful and enjoyed the same things I do that things would be different. I never had affection. All my affection came in pretend day dreaming. As a kid and grown up, I would stare off into space pretending this beautiful woman loved me. I would feel her love.
I know it's why I fell so in love with the good doctor. I felt her warmth and love. She touched my heart. When she held me I felt her heart. First of all, I didn't expect her to put her arms around me but when she did I felt the most love I ever felt in my life. Her love was unsolicited. She was going to take my hand in good bye but decided to hug me instead. Actually, I guess it was a smart move on her part. But, I don't think she suspected how I felt about her. I love her and certainly didn't mean to upset her or make her mad or insult her. She could had lectured me to high heaven but she, being true to her wonderful heart, didn't. I will love that moment and this woman until the day I die! Sometimes what takes a few minutes can last many life times.
I love that saying. I saw it on a sign on a carousal in the zoo "What takes on minutes, can last many life times". I love the saying because it tells me the author believes as I do in reincarnation. Some say we keep coming back until we get it right.
Man, it appears many executives and big shot greedy heads of state, and government and greedy CEO's will be back many times in many capacities until they learn to get it right!
We have a lot of so called nice people here on earth until it comes time to make a living or a buck then look out. Or as in the case of insurance companies denying coverage and claims - to save a buck for the company. How inhumane is that? How do they face themselves in the mirror each morning? I only hate my mother - I don't go out killing people every day - hello!
Now, I"m going to swing way out here: And how about the coincidence between January 20, 2001 when Bush sold office and September 11, 2001 and the "attack" in New York. Don't try not to tell me that that wasn't in the works way ahead of time to get us into war with Iraq to protect the oil. We had to be in cahoots with them in one way of another. Bush doesn't speak much about his Saudi friends anymore does he? Remember the picture of him holding hands with the one leader. Yeah, all airports shut down and all the Saudis were escorted out of the country without questioning. Well, they're friends.
I saw something significant last September that evidently I was the only one who thought was significant. Well, we were on a Missouri river kayaking and looking up I see a huge plane with F18 escorts at all four corners. Pretty cool actually! I wondered who it was. I figured it had to be the president; but there was nothing mentioned on the news. Hm! Actually it was quite a sight! They plane was way up there 35,000 feet which indicated it was indeed just flying over, and heading North.
I know I got off track - I usually do. I think we need to maintain some dignity too while we are here and progressing in our many lives. I demand respect - and in simple things like just spelling my name correctly. And it's common - if you treat me right then I like you - or even may love you. There is a reason why I can't stand to be in the presence of my mother or family.
When my dad died - I was glad! Just what does that tell you?
I cried like hell when my dog died. I cried when I left my ex and I still miss her at times (oh I was on a mission, a spiritual mission that M was part of. I was influenced by spirits past - I have the tape to prove it!). I still miss my ex. I miss being in a good, solid relationship, I miss having a partner. I cry a lot. I can love. I love my friends. I want to be in a relationship - but this time we will be matched well and she will be very loving and I very loving to her. Our time together will be precious.
M says she loves me. I think we loved the physical closeness. Well, I did, until I realized that somewhere, somehow I could actually have more. Why should she have both worlds and neither gets her full self? That's not right!
So, it's a work in progress and in the meantime I'll keep dreaming. My whole life has been a damn dream it feels at times. It's how I got my love needs met as a child. I would meet a tender, affectionate woman and dream of her throughout the day and how she loved me. I didn't know what it was to feel arms around me. When I was a toddler my mother pushed me away as my father laughed. I was too big to hold. I remember was a young woman - needed to be hugged desperately but not wanting it forced by asking - and a young man must have sensed this - for as he walked me to my car - he hugged me. I felt my skin burn and my heart swell. I cried all the way home. It was a tough time then, I dated men but was in love with women. A very tough time. So now you see why I'm all messed up?
Ever listen to successful people speak about their beginnings? Most will say that they had a mentor - someone who encouraged them and told them they could be anything they wanted to be. Usually this was one or both parents or a teacher. I didn't have that - I began in the "red"; in the "negative" and first had to pull myself out of that state before I even got started. I knew I would never marry and live like my mother - I would never have kids - because the love just wasn't there. I wasn't shown love in order to past it on to my children. And I certainly didn't want to live like her.
Once when I was seventeen and as I listened to a usual daily argument between the two of them I say "I'm never getting married". My mother blurted out "You're supposed to!" What kind of a stupid ass answer was that? Anyway, again no confrontation from me but I thought to myself "no way - and live like you? No way".
I was scared most of my life. I had no safe haven. No arms to crawl into and feel the warmth of love and security. In my next life, my mother will be just like the good doctor. She has the biggest, warmth heart, I had ever seen. And she loved me - if only for a moment. Well, she felt my pain. God, my heart was aching - it felt as if it were bleeding out on onto the floor. I heard her say "it hurts my heart" after she said "I can't do this". I think our hearts bonded that day. Hopefully we'll love in another lifetime - I'm counting on it. And maybe we did love in a former life - and our hearts remembered. But in this life, the timing is off! I will love her spirit for many, many life times - that much I know for sure.
I think all of my lives have been hard - it's time, I demand it, for a happy life. And times begins now! I demand it! Hey, I have a say in this. It's my energy I'm putting out there - and universe I demand you work with me on this! Remember Edy - you owe me - big time! You got your love - where is mine? And no - M won't do! You know what I want. The order has been placed - now fulfil it! I will expect her to come to me very soon! Very soon! She comes to me - gives me indications - and it feels right! She meets me more than half way. I am not afraid but welcome her love and advances. And, once more, this time - it is right! Everything is right!
Anyway, last evening I was reading a book by Brian L. Weiss, M.D. called "Same Soul, Many Bodies". A great read, by the way, until I got to the forgiveness part towards the end. To forgive is to heal. To patch up and make amends is to heal or is it heel (like a dog). No thanks - never in a million years. And she (he either, none of them) better not come into my life ever again - not in this one and not in any future life. I mean it when I say I never want to see them again. It's been three happy, wonderful, painless years that I'm rid of all of them. I rejoice the day I escaped their greedy, holier-than-thou mitts. What a bunch of hypocrites!
Let's put it this way, I'm on a higher universal, heavenly plain then they are. I'm a more advanced soul. Without confrontation, because I do not wish to "fix" I wish to escape and get the hell out and away from them. To confront would mean that I want to make change and a possible amends - no way! I don't even care "that" much. Good bye! Good riddance!
Last evening while reading the book about the part saying we can only move on if we make amends and forgive I thought a definite "no". Do you want to see her dead? Spending the rest of my life in prison doesn't make much sense to me! So, regardless of advice and what the written word (on any one's page) may tell you one has to do what one's gut tells them to do. My ex could never figure this out either. She thought amends would be nice. I think they kept bugging her or she compared mine with her idea relationship with her mother, Rita too, Liz too. But psychologist, yes, more than two or three, have told me that my family relationship is none of their business. The business is between myself and the evil one. I never had words. You see the woman was always one sided - her side. She's a little crazy herself. She always ignored my life; my life style, and then when I tried to help her at one point - she fired back that I read too many books and how could Lou stand to live with me? Right then and there I knew I was dealing with a crazy woman. Her mother was the same way. A really, really, selfish woman! My step-sister, whoever her father is, that was all under the rug too, to protect Arlene, is the same way.
I figured it was better to just stay away. Actually, I''m done! And when I'm done; I'm done. So maybe I should continue correspondence with Marcia. I don't know. But, I should get "it" to that point again where I need time for myself again. Well, she married, she lives far away, gas is expensive, and he raising her grand son now. It's like - let it go! Well, she's first born and first born feel they have to be Catholic perfect! I hate the Catholic church!
So, I had this dream last night I was trying to escape up a rung-less ladder away from her, my mother. I was trying to hide at the same time and be quiet as I heard her voice coming closer behind me; she was speaking, having a conversation with someone. So far, she didn't know I was there. I so wanted to escape. I had to wake myself up. I was becoming so exhausted as my footing kept slipping away from under me as I tried to climb up the wall. I couldn't take it any more and woke myself up. I had read in that god-awful-book about making amends before I could go on. And now I have decided that a "man" a "human being" wrote those words collectively from past life and future life dreams of people regressed or progressed into the future by hypnosis. I'm not there yet. I don't ever want to witness her evil spirit again in present, past or future tense. Please! I've had enough!
I only want love in my life and she (and they) have messed me up. I can't accept love for some reason. I don't know love. No one has ever purposed me - while boys have (but I'm a lesbian). The only women I have had or the ones that I have gone after - why is that? And then I get them; but then I become putty; a mere puppet and I lose myself in the relationship. After a while when I can't take it anymore I abruptly leave. While it eats at me. I try to make it work and then suddenly one day I know that it can't and I have to leave; get out of the relationship.
I know that if I had an affectionate, loving, warm woman who was beautiful and enjoyed the same things I do that things would be different. I never had affection. All my affection came in pretend day dreaming. As a kid and grown up, I would stare off into space pretending this beautiful woman loved me. I would feel her love.
I know it's why I fell so in love with the good doctor. I felt her warmth and love. She touched my heart. When she held me I felt her heart. First of all, I didn't expect her to put her arms around me but when she did I felt the most love I ever felt in my life. Her love was unsolicited. She was going to take my hand in good bye but decided to hug me instead. Actually, I guess it was a smart move on her part. But, I don't think she suspected how I felt about her. I love her and certainly didn't mean to upset her or make her mad or insult her. She could had lectured me to high heaven but she, being true to her wonderful heart, didn't. I will love that moment and this woman until the day I die! Sometimes what takes a few minutes can last many life times.
I love that saying. I saw it on a sign on a carousal in the zoo "What takes on minutes, can last many life times". I love the saying because it tells me the author believes as I do in reincarnation. Some say we keep coming back until we get it right.
Man, it appears many executives and big shot greedy heads of state, and government and greedy CEO's will be back many times in many capacities until they learn to get it right!
We have a lot of so called nice people here on earth until it comes time to make a living or a buck then look out. Or as in the case of insurance companies denying coverage and claims - to save a buck for the company. How inhumane is that? How do they face themselves in the mirror each morning? I only hate my mother - I don't go out killing people every day - hello!
Now, I"m going to swing way out here: And how about the coincidence between January 20, 2001 when Bush sold office and September 11, 2001 and the "attack" in New York. Don't try not to tell me that that wasn't in the works way ahead of time to get us into war with Iraq to protect the oil. We had to be in cahoots with them in one way of another. Bush doesn't speak much about his Saudi friends anymore does he? Remember the picture of him holding hands with the one leader. Yeah, all airports shut down and all the Saudis were escorted out of the country without questioning. Well, they're friends.
I saw something significant last September that evidently I was the only one who thought was significant. Well, we were on a Missouri river kayaking and looking up I see a huge plane with F18 escorts at all four corners. Pretty cool actually! I wondered who it was. I figured it had to be the president; but there was nothing mentioned on the news. Hm! Actually it was quite a sight! They plane was way up there 35,000 feet which indicated it was indeed just flying over, and heading North.
I know I got off track - I usually do. I think we need to maintain some dignity too while we are here and progressing in our many lives. I demand respect - and in simple things like just spelling my name correctly. And it's common - if you treat me right then I like you - or even may love you. There is a reason why I can't stand to be in the presence of my mother or family.
When my dad died - I was glad! Just what does that tell you?
I cried like hell when my dog died. I cried when I left my ex and I still miss her at times (oh I was on a mission, a spiritual mission that M was part of. I was influenced by spirits past - I have the tape to prove it!). I still miss my ex. I miss being in a good, solid relationship, I miss having a partner. I cry a lot. I can love. I love my friends. I want to be in a relationship - but this time we will be matched well and she will be very loving and I very loving to her. Our time together will be precious.
M says she loves me. I think we loved the physical closeness. Well, I did, until I realized that somewhere, somehow I could actually have more. Why should she have both worlds and neither gets her full self? That's not right!
So, it's a work in progress and in the meantime I'll keep dreaming. My whole life has been a damn dream it feels at times. It's how I got my love needs met as a child. I would meet a tender, affectionate woman and dream of her throughout the day and how she loved me. I didn't know what it was to feel arms around me. When I was a toddler my mother pushed me away as my father laughed. I was too big to hold. I remember was a young woman - needed to be hugged desperately but not wanting it forced by asking - and a young man must have sensed this - for as he walked me to my car - he hugged me. I felt my skin burn and my heart swell. I cried all the way home. It was a tough time then, I dated men but was in love with women. A very tough time. So now you see why I'm all messed up?
Ever listen to successful people speak about their beginnings? Most will say that they had a mentor - someone who encouraged them and told them they could be anything they wanted to be. Usually this was one or both parents or a teacher. I didn't have that - I began in the "red"; in the "negative" and first had to pull myself out of that state before I even got started. I knew I would never marry and live like my mother - I would never have kids - because the love just wasn't there. I wasn't shown love in order to past it on to my children. And I certainly didn't want to live like her.
Once when I was seventeen and as I listened to a usual daily argument between the two of them I say "I'm never getting married". My mother blurted out "You're supposed to!" What kind of a stupid ass answer was that? Anyway, again no confrontation from me but I thought to myself "no way - and live like you? No way".
I was scared most of my life. I had no safe haven. No arms to crawl into and feel the warmth of love and security. In my next life, my mother will be just like the good doctor. She has the biggest, warmth heart, I had ever seen. And she loved me - if only for a moment. Well, she felt my pain. God, my heart was aching - it felt as if it were bleeding out on onto the floor. I heard her say "it hurts my heart" after she said "I can't do this". I think our hearts bonded that day. Hopefully we'll love in another lifetime - I'm counting on it. And maybe we did love in a former life - and our hearts remembered. But in this life, the timing is off! I will love her spirit for many, many life times - that much I know for sure.
I think all of my lives have been hard - it's time, I demand it, for a happy life. And times begins now! I demand it! Hey, I have a say in this. It's my energy I'm putting out there - and universe I demand you work with me on this! Remember Edy - you owe me - big time! You got your love - where is mine? And no - M won't do! You know what I want. The order has been placed - now fulfil it! I will expect her to come to me very soon! Very soon! She comes to me - gives me indications - and it feels right! She meets me more than half way. I am not afraid but welcome her love and advances. And, once more, this time - it is right! Everything is right!
Hey, you misspelled my name (again)
Several nights ago I dreamt that I was sitting down at a desk with two tablets in front of me and at a fast pace trying to copy the things on one tablet to another actually as they were written on the first tablet. I was having a heck of a time. As soon as I finished copying one page I noticed I had left off and incorrectly written something down and it was in pen and ink I was in a hurry and quickly began frustrated. I had many dreams such as this when I was working.
I then realized why I had this dream. I was juiced up with Bloc energy gels made with green tea caffeine and when I went to pick up my running packet I was in a hurry. And before I got there I knew it would be mass confusion and unorganized - and it was. I get to the table someone directed me to then after waiting and I get up to the woman she tells me to go over to another table and look up my number then come back. So I had to do that! Why not have the numbers at the table where the big woman so comfortably sat on her butt I thought. So then I had to get back in line after I retrieved my number and made sure that I still remembered it correctly when I got up to her. Stupid! Have the list there! Morons!
She then she tries to find the tag with my number. It doesn't exist - so she sends me to yet another table where that woman is going to re-register me and hand me another numbered tag. I wait in line yet again. Then as directed I fill out another entry form. She waits. Then she copies my name, age and sex onto another form. She spells my name wrong. Right in front of me. She can't even copy my name correctly. I jump on this! "You misspelled my name" I rather harshly expressed. "Dang, right in front of you and can't copy it right!"
Hey, this happens all the time. I send two emails recently and spelling Dianne and in return email I see Diane. I don't do that! I go back and make sure! It's rude. I have a friend from France named Aurelie and Manisha. I made and still make sure that each time I spell their name correctly. People who reassign my name or try to "teach" me to spell it correctly aggravate me. It's disrespectful. And it happens all the time no matter where; no matter who. My last name has two n's also - that gets messed up by everyone too. It's rude. You don't arbitrarily decide to reassign and spell someones name the way you think it should be spelled.
Well the lady at the run package pick-up was the last straw so she got to hear about it! I mean come on - she was recopying one inch away - right in front of me.
I used to let it slide - but now I don't. You see I look up my stats on line and/or blog my name to get run results and more. So I have to spell my name six different ways from Sunday to finally find my results. And once again - it's just plain rude!
I then realized why I had this dream. I was juiced up with Bloc energy gels made with green tea caffeine and when I went to pick up my running packet I was in a hurry. And before I got there I knew it would be mass confusion and unorganized - and it was. I get to the table someone directed me to then after waiting and I get up to the woman she tells me to go over to another table and look up my number then come back. So I had to do that! Why not have the numbers at the table where the big woman so comfortably sat on her butt I thought. So then I had to get back in line after I retrieved my number and made sure that I still remembered it correctly when I got up to her. Stupid! Have the list there! Morons!
She then she tries to find the tag with my number. It doesn't exist - so she sends me to yet another table where that woman is going to re-register me and hand me another numbered tag. I wait in line yet again. Then as directed I fill out another entry form. She waits. Then she copies my name, age and sex onto another form. She spells my name wrong. Right in front of me. She can't even copy my name correctly. I jump on this! "You misspelled my name" I rather harshly expressed. "Dang, right in front of you and can't copy it right!"
Hey, this happens all the time. I send two emails recently and spelling Dianne and in return email I see Diane. I don't do that! I go back and make sure! It's rude. I have a friend from France named Aurelie and Manisha. I made and still make sure that each time I spell their name correctly. People who reassign my name or try to "teach" me to spell it correctly aggravate me. It's disrespectful. And it happens all the time no matter where; no matter who. My last name has two n's also - that gets messed up by everyone too. It's rude. You don't arbitrarily decide to reassign and spell someones name the way you think it should be spelled.
Well the lady at the run package pick-up was the last straw so she got to hear about it! I mean come on - she was recopying one inch away - right in front of me.
I used to let it slide - but now I don't. You see I look up my stats on line and/or blog my name to get run results and more. So I have to spell my name six different ways from Sunday to finally find my results. And once again - it's just plain rude!
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