The Good Doctor Dream..

Well, I've been having a slight problem lately.. seems nights in white satin, never reaching the end.. only me and that person..can't it seems.

I should just not care and go for it! I realize why it occurs and that is when I think a person is out of reach..I can't grasped her. So in my perception.. emotionally distant even though physically there. Or is it me - that makes myself distance.

Or am I the only one with good rhythm or am I the only one with a problem? I've never been with anyone who couldn't come!

I seem to fall in love with the out of reach! It's painful! Guess I'm just a nut case! I'll blame it on childhood environment, of my distance family and the evil Catholic church. I hate religion! How dare you enthrall shame at such a young age! These men are evil. We were commanded to respect authoritarian figures which in itself is pretense for doubt and caution.

But no matter.. as long lasting as memory is that was then and this is now..and I must learn to work around my thoughts and emotions. Make it fun! Not to be so serious!

I must have had the above on my mind when I went to sleep last night because.. seems my mother was at one place, while I scrambled to work to do laundry and straighten up.. pack, plan or prepare (not quite sure what I was doing) and then at the same time I was making the good doctor wait,not meaning too was only trying to impress her, was afraid my temper or ignorance would raise it ugly head. All in all it was an emotional drain but I felt her love and felt my heart sink at the mental sight of her. She made me feel loved. I think I will always love her in my own "distant" way.

The good doctor has the kindest, warmest, voice and mannerisms of anyone I've every met. So warm and loving! I remember when I was a kid.. I instantly fell in love with any woman who was that lovingly kind towards me. Such warmth! My heart aches for them.. for a hug! If only a hug!

No hugs as a kid...I remember being told at my mother's knee on wobbling steps reaching up to be picked up...emotionally being pushed away and told I was too big too hold and my dad laughing at the insult...and neither did he hold me - at all. He seemed only there to instruct discipline. Idle threats were fluent and readily paid. I was lonely and afraid.

So, I need to do some emotional and mental work evidently..it's a treacherous sheet of ice.. because if I back off, she backs off - even more. So we'll see!

None of this is easy! But, I am beginning to see that a lot is brought on by my own hand that what goes on in my mind passes through as my reality and so I create my own reality. I create my environment because we automatically get back what we put out there. I realize that - I just need to practice what I realize is and not what I can create.. tricky but doable.