I dreamed this several nights back but can't seem to get the dream out of my mind! After thinking about it, I have determined that the dream reflects fear experienced in my childhood when I was probably between the ages of 6-9 I would venture to guest.
And here is the dream: I was in the country somewhere. I guest exact location is not important. It was summer. Anyway, it was warm. But it must have been late summer or early Autumn because here comes a big green combine rumbling up the dirt farm field access road. Between myself and the combine about a five hundred yards is standing Sarah Palin. She's just there - don't ask me why I chose her to be in my dream. I get the feeling she is innocent in this scene. She just happens to be there as her husband is driving towards her in his apparent new combine. Something I feel that he has recently purchased. Her husband is driving towards her rather fast. He is sitting in the enclosed glass cab behind the controls. It appears he knows what he is doing as he looks straight ahead.
As he drives nearer to her, I get the feeling that he is not yet familiar with his new piece of machinery and I wonder if he is going to have trouble slowing down or even stopping. Soon, way to soon, before I realized my wondering thoughts are answers as I move quickly to the side and hopefully out of his way. I scamper up the hill side knowing he cannot drive the combine up the steep grassy, edged, hillside. Suddenly as I look back I see him run her down. The combine barrows down on her and all I see is she face down, brown hair flared, arm stretched out and face down flat! She gone! There is no way she can survive the crushing weight of the gigantic machine.
I am filled with terror as I run to apparently a house.. I see two silhouettes sitting one older than the other facing me. Perhaps two women. I can't make them out but my emotions later tell me who they are.
As I think about the scene I cannot erase from my mind, I see the colors and it's vivid. I know where the scene actually takes place and who those two people are.
The two people sitting there emotionless and motionless are my mother and my step-sister. They sit there like they sat there so long ago when I came into the house after being made to witness my dad beat my big dog to death with a heavy hand held hammer. I was terrified as he mumbled something about teaching me a lesson. He held the German Shepard between his legs holding the dogs collar in his left hand as he hammered the dogs head with his right hand until I saw blood. The dog looked like he wondered what he had done. My heart broke. I stood in terror. Helpless in disbelief my heart stopped. I thought I was next! After the deed was done - rather after he was tired of hammering, he let the dog lay there.. eyes open, bloodied head.. to die.. then hollered at me to get in the house.
My mother and step-sister knew what was going on - I guess they had peered out the window at some point but were sitting in chairs as I walked in the kitchen. Silently I expected them to do something...something that was never done or disgusted. They both had smirks on their faces. Sick! As if they somehow approved of the sinful, cruel, dirty deed.
I didn't know what to do! My life changed in a moment. I was a different person. Somehow suddenly much older than my tender years. Some how I realized the reality of life in that moment and knew my life would be hell until I got old enough to get out of there. I knew until then I had to play the game.. to go along. To make do with what was dealt until I was old enough to get out and make my own life changes.
Funny, how you end up loving your captors - well you do in a way, because I lived in the country, on a farm, in isolation and depended on them for my livelihood. Back then kids had no rights and there were no social services.. only priests. And we know now not to trust them. In fact, I grew up not trusting anyone and not feeling loved - by anyone.
My heart ached all the time for years (until a woman, a lover, held me close to her heart [after sex], and kissed my head - finally, then I realized love). There were no hugs. I remember needing to be hugged so badly, but not knowing where to go for help. No one gave hugs. No one! One evening a guy walked me to my car and hugged me good night. He must have sensed that I needed to be hugged. We stood there by my car and he hugged me - a good hug. My heart confused and temporary band aided I think I cried all the way back home to that god awful place out there in the country still. I was confused.. I wanted a woman to love me. Something so foreign - yet so needed by my heart.
I didn't have a good enough job to move out yet.. but in time I did. I had crushed on girls. I day dreamed about warm, wonderful, beautiful women loving me..or rather me loving them because I couldn't quite picture anyone loving me. Life was emotionally painful and very lonely.
I held a secret. I had crushes on girls. Never a crush on a boy! Well, that's another entry...some day later on. I'll say this though - life was and is certainly a challenge when you are gay.
Now, I only hang with my gay friends. I want really nothing to do with family or straight people.. I had to pretend and hide myself way to long and refuse to do more.
I'm going to my girlfriend's house on the up and coming holiday. I'm looking forward to seeing her.. but not her family. I'm a fish out of water around alien straight people. I dread the day. I told her I'm parking on the street (so I won't get blocked in the driveway) so I can leave when I want". Funny!
Although, I know, I'll be fine! I'll just be glad when the day is over with. Like I said - I'm not into straight people... I've pretended to be straight and keep my "secret" life just that - secret so straight people won't be uncomfortable. I don't care anymore - about other's feelings - not about things like that anyway! I'm glad I ditched my so called "family"! Alleluia, free at last!!
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Monday, November 17, 2008
Seems the worm has turned
from my last entry post of November 6, 2008. It's now November 17, 2008 and I have been on the high protein low carb diet for a week now! I've read the "Protein Power" book several years ago in the late 90's. December 1999 my cholesterol was 280 with in seven months and 20 months my cholesterol was down to 180! Yes. Target is under 200. I ran then too and my HDL was high in the 70's but I was pushing 150!
After that I maintain about a 215 cholesterol level. But in 2004 I split with my partner of 15 years and got down to under 120 in weight..my cholesterol was about 180 then too. One day my weight was 115 and I actually was beginning to worry!
I'm checking back records and in September of 2005 my cholesterol was 202. I was running and eating a lot of sugar aids for energy such as Excel Gel and Glu and crap like that! NO more for me!
Today I'm eating high protein and low carb strictly on my own to get my cholesterol down. The doctor's office sent me a high carb lots of fruits and vegetables, bread and grain diet. No thanks - that how my cholesterol got high in the first place!
I read somewhere that our bodies product cholesterol and the less we get in our diets the more it produces. So I'm eating more lean protein, cottage cheese, creme cheese, sour cream dollops. No more sweets, candy, cakes, and cookes.
A physical therapist friend of mine told me that sweets cause inflamation - so there you are!
I recently heard on NPR that doctors even want to give out statins to people with normal cholesterol levels if they have high c r protein (an indicator of inflamation). Isn't that what we take baby aspirin for? Well, you know the drug companies have to pay for all those commericals that smack you in for face. I guess the idea is to brainwash you. It's amazing to me - people eat what they want then expect the doctor to give them something to fix it. I guess no one has any well power - at all! Everyone wants to take the easy route!
There is no easy route! It's a trade off! It's funny no matter how much money you have in this world.. like these greedy CEO's they still can't eat whatever they want! cha-ching!
So in summary, the worm has indeed turned! Eating healthy my butt! I was eating high carb smoothies with mango, papaya and pears. Candies and sweet too. No more!
Here's to health!
After that I maintain about a 215 cholesterol level. But in 2004 I split with my partner of 15 years and got down to under 120 in weight..my cholesterol was about 180 then too. One day my weight was 115 and I actually was beginning to worry!
I'm checking back records and in September of 2005 my cholesterol was 202. I was running and eating a lot of sugar aids for energy such as Excel Gel and Glu and crap like that! NO more for me!
Today I'm eating high protein and low carb strictly on my own to get my cholesterol down. The doctor's office sent me a high carb lots of fruits and vegetables, bread and grain diet. No thanks - that how my cholesterol got high in the first place!
I read somewhere that our bodies product cholesterol and the less we get in our diets the more it produces. So I'm eating more lean protein, cottage cheese, creme cheese, sour cream dollops. No more sweets, candy, cakes, and cookes.
A physical therapist friend of mine told me that sweets cause inflamation - so there you are!
I recently heard on NPR that doctors even want to give out statins to people with normal cholesterol levels if they have high c r protein (an indicator of inflamation). Isn't that what we take baby aspirin for? Well, you know the drug companies have to pay for all those commericals that smack you in for face. I guess the idea is to brainwash you. It's amazing to me - people eat what they want then expect the doctor to give them something to fix it. I guess no one has any well power - at all! Everyone wants to take the easy route!
There is no easy route! It's a trade off! It's funny no matter how much money you have in this world.. like these greedy CEO's they still can't eat whatever they want! cha-ching!
So in summary, the worm has indeed turned! Eating healthy my butt! I was eating high carb smoothies with mango, papaya and pears. Candies and sweet too. No more!
Here's to health!
Thursday, November 6, 2008
strange dream ... par for course.. of course
Well, I ate chocloate covered pecans about 9:30 or was it 10:30 PM.. no wonder! But, they were so good!
I'm trying to eat healthy with lots of fruits and vegetable.. smoothies and salads.. much less meat.. I think I am just naturally gravitating away from meats for some reason. Too heavy! I'm leaning more towards marinara pasta dishes or roasted peppers pizza. Great stuff. No cheese - but some.
Anyway, the dream? Could it be my diet? I am always concerned about my vintage SUV. I love it. I don't want to lose it or have to make a decision about a new vehicle or worse yet.. payments! Ugh! So I thank the universe and pray daily for it's safety and mine too of course. I also include all my applicanes and my health and body and brain and youthfulness. I love it! I love my life!
I love the fact that I know I will be running still well into my 80's and probably set records at 90, 100 and beyond. People are doing it now and each year life expectancy increases..with knowledge and I believe, the soul reason, is the soul!
Our spirit guides us..you know the old saying "mind over matter" well, I tottally believe there is more truth in that then what we shallowly believe. Oh people say it but do they truly believe in what they are declaring?
Our minds lead our bodies. Our minds, our thoughts, are the master soul processors that guide our day, our life, our furture. Think I'll hurry and type this and get out there to run... it's 64 degrees, cloudy, breezy and showery. I love it!
Oh the dream! Well for one thing I have a very busy mind. When I get up my thoughts race to complete things I want to do that day. Run, swim, yoga, play my sax, sing and play guitar, play bongos! Read, oh and yes, I should go to the artist guild today.. but do I really feel like it.. too confining and why feel inferior amongst pros. All though some days.. it's no big deal! Oh well!
There I was side tracked again! The dream.. I was driving a Mazda gray sporty looking thing like my friend has..some guy was heading right to me and appearing as if he may then try to turn sharply so I backed up.. so I got minor damage (but not to me) in the back and front! I was truly, heartfully, disgusted because I wish to preserve my car and keep it looking like new..as it did until this. Later.. during the dream I prayed in the dream that I was only dream the accident! I think I convinced myself that it was only a dream.. during the dream! Funny!
Also during the dream.. I was running to a sort of social event maze looking for my ex (things really haven't changed she is my best friend) or L my friend from K.C. I was missing the woman I am dating too.. I couldn't find her either. My heart was aching. I was feeling lonely and a little lost..missing my loves...plural! I found L from K.C. And she was very thin and had a totally different look. She was about about her appearance and later went on to explain now that she lost the weight she was going through the opereation? Operation? Sex change! Totally threw me off guard! But I'm excepting in my responses and throw in a hug!
Then there was another woman there who cornered all women and kissed them fully on the lips.. then I hear people cough (like at yoga rudely during our ending quiet period) and sneeze and then that woman kissed me wetly on the lips.. ugh! Last I remember I was working my way out of that straw, golden orange, village maze! My legs ached.. well not really ached.. It was like running through mud!
Sometimes life seems like that doesn't it, like you're running through mud! I think that came from running a half marathon last Sunday. My time 2:23 and I wanted it to be better more like 2:10 or 2:15 (my best ever was 2:15). Yes, it's on record at the trace club.. ln line if I google my name!
Well, I'm finished here. I am listening too to NPR Joan Baez( or is it Mitchell.. no looked it up.. with Joan Baez!!) Who sang.. "the man who drove old dixie down?". Wish I could play my guitar like that? How have to work on that! What a crystal clear soprano voice and she's in her 70's. I love getting older.. isn't that funny! Like I said.. it'a mental thing. We can't control the chronological age, the number of years we've been around but we certainly can control our thoughts, our spirits, our agility and flexibilities.
Recently a running mat sent me an article of Joy Johnson an 80 year old woman who sarted running at age 59 and runs several competitive runs and marathons throughout the year. She was running marathon in seven hours.. and decided she didn't want to be out there that long..so she enlisted in a runner's camp and did step work, weighs and more and won first place in the New York marathon for her age group 81 Plus. cause she actually trimmed 50 minutes from her time!
Can you imagine. How many "elderly" (not a good adjective here because again a state of mind.. to me elderly mean.. ill and thinking ill thoughts and expecting to be ill and full of aches and pain at a certain age). See those "negative" thoughts are not a part of my daily routine. Like Deepra Chropra says.. aging doesn't mean you have to get sick! Hello!
Do we make ourselves sick? Oh lucks of people with illnesses would be offended at that thought and the audacity of actually stating that commment! But, personally, I wonder? We all have needs, some subconscious. Some people need "attention" (love I guess) and think they only way they can get it is through pain and illness. I disagree. I say do something profoundly happy and pride enhancing.. achieve something outstanding and that promotes health.
Do you think this 80 year old wonder has pain? I saw her run in the video she was smooth and not stooped. She was tall, attractive, straight and proud. I could see very close due to the quality of the video but the author of the article said her she had pretty skin. Is that too amazing?
So, since writing this and of course thinking about all that I am writing.. since I just drank my 16 oz. of Zipp Fizz I am going for a run.
I love to run in the rain.. well, if it's probably sixty degrees and above. So off I go.. but I'm torn should I quick play a tune on my sax to warm my lungs..
I have the sheet music for "Crazy" by Patsy Cline so I want to, this afternoon, I guess, sing and play with guitar..then play with Sax. I'll play solely with sax now, or is it souly? I think souly? I love my life!
Each day I thank the universe and my special master spiritual guides and I ask that my day be magical - and it then later in the evening in retrospect.. I feel that the day was indeed magical. It's how we look at it all you know! It's the simple things! Yoga, with a great instructor! A run in the rain! A wonderful pizza shared with a lover! The warm wonderful beauty and closeness of another body next to me! Pleasing another! It's magical!
I'm spiritual and believe we can create our realities, our environments and our days.. I do just that! I wondered, I believe, to be born and live an active life with a certain, attractiveness, I have that! I appreciate young women's compliments that "you look hot in those running shorts.. are they new"? HOw wonderfully cool is that?... now that's magical!!! And you know what.. I wanted it that way.. I created that moment before it even happens.
Years ago my good buddy Ezekiel (a channeled spirit) told me you will good with younger people.. you are happy with them.. ) and I am... I get the biggest charge out of them.. their energy.. or lack of energy. I think I see that youth isn't really the "end all" but the ideal place to be.. even in youth our state of mind.. our thoughts are very important. They, some of them, have more aches and pains and eating restrictions then I do? So, you see where I get my reasoning? My conclusion that prehaps indeed our thoughts are very powerful.... or another way of saying "I can't". Again, I believe, we create our limitations.
I know I don't ever want to run a marathon.. half marathons are good enough for me...only if I could run it in over three hours. Funny, the forty some year old woman who got the gold ran the maratonn in 2:23.. exactly what it takes me to run a half at 10:20 pace.. so you know her pace was 5:10.. a five minute mile.. is that too extreme or what? Okay off I go.. out to run.. Can't wait.. I'll take NPR with me.
Guess I won't make it to artist guild or I"ll be late. I want to swim today too...see my mind goes in all directions.. I want to do everything.. until I get into one thing and just start doing it.. like run.. come on let's go before I get too hungry!
later........
I'm trying to eat healthy with lots of fruits and vegetable.. smoothies and salads.. much less meat.. I think I am just naturally gravitating away from meats for some reason. Too heavy! I'm leaning more towards marinara pasta dishes or roasted peppers pizza. Great stuff. No cheese - but some.
Anyway, the dream? Could it be my diet? I am always concerned about my vintage SUV. I love it. I don't want to lose it or have to make a decision about a new vehicle or worse yet.. payments! Ugh! So I thank the universe and pray daily for it's safety and mine too of course. I also include all my applicanes and my health and body and brain and youthfulness. I love it! I love my life!
I love the fact that I know I will be running still well into my 80's and probably set records at 90, 100 and beyond. People are doing it now and each year life expectancy increases..with knowledge and I believe, the soul reason, is the soul!
Our spirit guides us..you know the old saying "mind over matter" well, I tottally believe there is more truth in that then what we shallowly believe. Oh people say it but do they truly believe in what they are declaring?
Our minds lead our bodies. Our minds, our thoughts, are the master soul processors that guide our day, our life, our furture. Think I'll hurry and type this and get out there to run... it's 64 degrees, cloudy, breezy and showery. I love it!
Oh the dream! Well for one thing I have a very busy mind. When I get up my thoughts race to complete things I want to do that day. Run, swim, yoga, play my sax, sing and play guitar, play bongos! Read, oh and yes, I should go to the artist guild today.. but do I really feel like it.. too confining and why feel inferior amongst pros. All though some days.. it's no big deal! Oh well!
There I was side tracked again! The dream.. I was driving a Mazda gray sporty looking thing like my friend has..some guy was heading right to me and appearing as if he may then try to turn sharply so I backed up.. so I got minor damage (but not to me) in the back and front! I was truly, heartfully, disgusted because I wish to preserve my car and keep it looking like new..as it did until this. Later.. during the dream I prayed in the dream that I was only dream the accident! I think I convinced myself that it was only a dream.. during the dream! Funny!
Also during the dream.. I was running to a sort of social event maze looking for my ex (things really haven't changed she is my best friend) or L my friend from K.C. I was missing the woman I am dating too.. I couldn't find her either. My heart was aching. I was feeling lonely and a little lost..missing my loves...plural! I found L from K.C. And she was very thin and had a totally different look. She was about about her appearance and later went on to explain now that she lost the weight she was going through the opereation? Operation? Sex change! Totally threw me off guard! But I'm excepting in my responses and throw in a hug!
Then there was another woman there who cornered all women and kissed them fully on the lips.. then I hear people cough (like at yoga rudely during our ending quiet period) and sneeze and then that woman kissed me wetly on the lips.. ugh! Last I remember I was working my way out of that straw, golden orange, village maze! My legs ached.. well not really ached.. It was like running through mud!
Sometimes life seems like that doesn't it, like you're running through mud! I think that came from running a half marathon last Sunday. My time 2:23 and I wanted it to be better more like 2:10 or 2:15 (my best ever was 2:15). Yes, it's on record at the trace club.. ln line if I google my name!
Well, I'm finished here. I am listening too to NPR Joan Baez( or is it Mitchell.. no looked it up.. with Joan Baez!!) Who sang.. "the man who drove old dixie down?". Wish I could play my guitar like that? How have to work on that! What a crystal clear soprano voice and she's in her 70's. I love getting older.. isn't that funny! Like I said.. it'a mental thing. We can't control the chronological age, the number of years we've been around but we certainly can control our thoughts, our spirits, our agility and flexibilities.
Recently a running mat sent me an article of Joy Johnson an 80 year old woman who sarted running at age 59 and runs several competitive runs and marathons throughout the year. She was running marathon in seven hours.. and decided she didn't want to be out there that long..so she enlisted in a runner's camp and did step work, weighs and more and won first place in the New York marathon for her age group 81 Plus. cause she actually trimmed 50 minutes from her time!
Can you imagine. How many "elderly" (not a good adjective here because again a state of mind.. to me elderly mean.. ill and thinking ill thoughts and expecting to be ill and full of aches and pain at a certain age). See those "negative" thoughts are not a part of my daily routine. Like Deepra Chropra says.. aging doesn't mean you have to get sick! Hello!
Do we make ourselves sick? Oh lucks of people with illnesses would be offended at that thought and the audacity of actually stating that commment! But, personally, I wonder? We all have needs, some subconscious. Some people need "attention" (love I guess) and think they only way they can get it is through pain and illness. I disagree. I say do something profoundly happy and pride enhancing.. achieve something outstanding and that promotes health.
Do you think this 80 year old wonder has pain? I saw her run in the video she was smooth and not stooped. She was tall, attractive, straight and proud. I could see very close due to the quality of the video but the author of the article said her she had pretty skin. Is that too amazing?
So, since writing this and of course thinking about all that I am writing.. since I just drank my 16 oz. of Zipp Fizz I am going for a run.
I love to run in the rain.. well, if it's probably sixty degrees and above. So off I go.. but I'm torn should I quick play a tune on my sax to warm my lungs..
I have the sheet music for "Crazy" by Patsy Cline so I want to, this afternoon, I guess, sing and play with guitar..then play with Sax. I'll play solely with sax now, or is it souly? I think souly? I love my life!
Each day I thank the universe and my special master spiritual guides and I ask that my day be magical - and it then later in the evening in retrospect.. I feel that the day was indeed magical. It's how we look at it all you know! It's the simple things! Yoga, with a great instructor! A run in the rain! A wonderful pizza shared with a lover! The warm wonderful beauty and closeness of another body next to me! Pleasing another! It's magical!
I'm spiritual and believe we can create our realities, our environments and our days.. I do just that! I wondered, I believe, to be born and live an active life with a certain, attractiveness, I have that! I appreciate young women's compliments that "you look hot in those running shorts.. are they new"? HOw wonderfully cool is that?... now that's magical!!! And you know what.. I wanted it that way.. I created that moment before it even happens.
Years ago my good buddy Ezekiel (a channeled spirit) told me you will good with younger people.. you are happy with them.. ) and I am... I get the biggest charge out of them.. their energy.. or lack of energy. I think I see that youth isn't really the "end all" but the ideal place to be.. even in youth our state of mind.. our thoughts are very important. They, some of them, have more aches and pains and eating restrictions then I do? So, you see where I get my reasoning? My conclusion that prehaps indeed our thoughts are very powerful.... or another way of saying "I can't". Again, I believe, we create our limitations.
I know I don't ever want to run a marathon.. half marathons are good enough for me...only if I could run it in over three hours. Funny, the forty some year old woman who got the gold ran the maratonn in 2:23.. exactly what it takes me to run a half at 10:20 pace.. so you know her pace was 5:10.. a five minute mile.. is that too extreme or what? Okay off I go.. out to run.. Can't wait.. I'll take NPR with me.
Guess I won't make it to artist guild or I"ll be late. I want to swim today too...see my mind goes in all directions.. I want to do everything.. until I get into one thing and just start doing it.. like run.. come on let's go before I get too hungry!
later........
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