Strange combine dream

I dreamed this several nights back but can't seem to get the dream out of my mind! After thinking about it, I have determined that the dream reflects fear experienced in my childhood when I was probably between the ages of 6-9 I would venture to guest.

And here is the dream: I was in the country somewhere. I guest exact location is not important. It was summer. Anyway, it was warm. But it must have been late summer or early Autumn because here comes a big green combine rumbling up the dirt farm field access road. Between myself and the combine about a five hundred yards is standing Sarah Palin. She's just there - don't ask me why I chose her to be in my dream. I get the feeling she is innocent in this scene. She just happens to be there as her husband is driving towards her in his apparent new combine. Something I feel that he has recently purchased. Her husband is driving towards her rather fast. He is sitting in the enclosed glass cab behind the controls. It appears he knows what he is doing as he looks straight ahead.

As he drives nearer to her, I get the feeling that he is not yet familiar with his new piece of machinery and I wonder if he is going to have trouble slowing down or even stopping. Soon, way to soon, before I realized my wondering thoughts are answers as I move quickly to the side and hopefully out of his way. I scamper up the hill side knowing he cannot drive the combine up the steep grassy, edged, hillside. Suddenly as I look back I see him run her down. The combine barrows down on her and all I see is she face down, brown hair flared, arm stretched out and face down flat! She gone! There is no way she can survive the crushing weight of the gigantic machine.

I am filled with terror as I run to apparently a house.. I see two silhouettes sitting one older than the other facing me. Perhaps two women. I can't make them out but my emotions later tell me who they are.

As I think about the scene I cannot erase from my mind, I see the colors and it's vivid. I know where the scene actually takes place and who those two people are.

The two people sitting there emotionless and motionless are my mother and my step-sister. They sit there like they sat there so long ago when I came into the house after being made to witness my dad beat my big dog to death with a heavy hand held hammer. I was terrified as he mumbled something about teaching me a lesson. He held the German Shepard between his legs holding the dogs collar in his left hand as he hammered the dogs head with his right hand until I saw blood. The dog looked like he wondered what he had done. My heart broke. I stood in terror. Helpless in disbelief my heart stopped. I thought I was next! After the deed was done - rather after he was tired of hammering, he let the dog lay there.. eyes open, bloodied head.. to die.. then hollered at me to get in the house.

My mother and step-sister knew what was going on - I guess they had peered out the window at some point but were sitting in chairs as I walked in the kitchen. Silently I expected them to do something...something that was never done or disgusted. They both had smirks on their faces. Sick! As if they somehow approved of the sinful, cruel, dirty deed.

I didn't know what to do! My life changed in a moment. I was a different person. Somehow suddenly much older than my tender years. Some how I realized the reality of life in that moment and knew my life would be hell until I got old enough to get out of there. I knew until then I had to play the game.. to go along. To make do with what was dealt until I was old enough to get out and make my own life changes.

Funny, how you end up loving your captors - well you do in a way, because I lived in the country, on a farm, in isolation and depended on them for my livelihood. Back then kids had no rights and there were no social services.. only priests. And we know now not to trust them. In fact, I grew up not trusting anyone and not feeling loved - by anyone.

My heart ached all the time for years (until a woman, a lover, held me close to her heart [after sex], and kissed my head - finally, then I realized love). There were no hugs. I remember needing to be hugged so badly, but not knowing where to go for help. No one gave hugs. No one! One evening a guy walked me to my car and hugged me good night. He must have sensed that I needed to be hugged. We stood there by my car and he hugged me - a good hug. My heart confused and temporary band aided I think I cried all the way back home to that god awful place out there in the country still. I was confused.. I wanted a woman to love me. Something so foreign - yet so needed by my heart.

I didn't have a good enough job to move out yet.. but in time I did. I had crushed on girls. I day dreamed about warm, wonderful, beautiful women loving me..or rather me loving them because I couldn't quite picture anyone loving me. Life was emotionally painful and very lonely.

I held a secret. I had crushes on girls. Never a crush on a boy! Well, that's another entry...some day later on. I'll say this though - life was and is certainly a challenge when you are gay.

Now, I only hang with my gay friends. I want really nothing to do with family or straight people.. I had to pretend and hide myself way to long and refuse to do more.

I'm going to my girlfriend's house on the up and coming holiday. I'm looking forward to seeing her.. but not her family. I'm a fish out of water around alien straight people. I dread the day. I told her I'm parking on the street (so I won't get blocked in the driveway) so I can leave when I want". Funny!

Although, I know, I'll be fine! I'll just be glad when the day is over with. Like I said - I'm not into straight people... I've pretended to be straight and keep my "secret" life just that - secret so straight people won't be uncomfortable. I don't care anymore - about other's feelings - not about things like that anyway! I'm glad I ditched my so called "family"! Alleluia, free at last!!