Well, I've been having a slight problem lately.. seems nights in white satin, never reaching the end.. only me and that person..can't it seems.
I should just not care and go for it! I realize why it occurs and that is when I think a person is out of reach..I can't grasped her. So in my perception.. emotionally distant even though physically there. Or is it me - that makes myself distance.
Or am I the only one with good rhythm or am I the only one with a problem? I've never been with anyone who couldn't come!
I seem to fall in love with the out of reach! It's painful! Guess I'm just a nut case! I'll blame it on childhood environment, of my distance family and the evil Catholic church. I hate religion! How dare you enthrall shame at such a young age! These men are evil. We were commanded to respect authoritarian figures which in itself is pretense for doubt and caution.
But no matter.. as long lasting as memory is that was then and this is now..and I must learn to work around my thoughts and emotions. Make it fun! Not to be so serious!
I must have had the above on my mind when I went to sleep last night because.. seems my mother was at one place, while I scrambled to work to do laundry and straighten up.. pack, plan or prepare (not quite sure what I was doing) and then at the same time I was making the good doctor wait,not meaning too was only trying to impress her, was afraid my temper or ignorance would raise it ugly head. All in all it was an emotional drain but I felt her love and felt my heart sink at the mental sight of her. She made me feel loved. I think I will always love her in my own "distant" way.
The good doctor has the kindest, warmest, voice and mannerisms of anyone I've every met. So warm and loving! I remember when I was a kid.. I instantly fell in love with any woman who was that lovingly kind towards me. Such warmth! My heart aches for them.. for a hug! If only a hug!
No hugs as a kid...I remember being told at my mother's knee on wobbling steps reaching up to be picked up...emotionally being pushed away and told I was too big too hold and my dad laughing at the insult...and neither did he hold me - at all. He seemed only there to instruct discipline. Idle threats were fluent and readily paid. I was lonely and afraid.
So, I need to do some emotional and mental work evidently..it's a treacherous sheet of ice.. because if I back off, she backs off - even more. So we'll see!
None of this is easy! But, I am beginning to see that a lot is brought on by my own hand that what goes on in my mind passes through as my reality and so I create my own reality. I create my environment because we automatically get back what we put out there. I realize that - I just need to practice what I realize is and not what I can create.. tricky but doable.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Strange combine dream
I dreamed this several nights back but can't seem to get the dream out of my mind! After thinking about it, I have determined that the dream reflects fear experienced in my childhood when I was probably between the ages of 6-9 I would venture to guest.
And here is the dream: I was in the country somewhere. I guest exact location is not important. It was summer. Anyway, it was warm. But it must have been late summer or early Autumn because here comes a big green combine rumbling up the dirt farm field access road. Between myself and the combine about a five hundred yards is standing Sarah Palin. She's just there - don't ask me why I chose her to be in my dream. I get the feeling she is innocent in this scene. She just happens to be there as her husband is driving towards her in his apparent new combine. Something I feel that he has recently purchased. Her husband is driving towards her rather fast. He is sitting in the enclosed glass cab behind the controls. It appears he knows what he is doing as he looks straight ahead.
As he drives nearer to her, I get the feeling that he is not yet familiar with his new piece of machinery and I wonder if he is going to have trouble slowing down or even stopping. Soon, way to soon, before I realized my wondering thoughts are answers as I move quickly to the side and hopefully out of his way. I scamper up the hill side knowing he cannot drive the combine up the steep grassy, edged, hillside. Suddenly as I look back I see him run her down. The combine barrows down on her and all I see is she face down, brown hair flared, arm stretched out and face down flat! She gone! There is no way she can survive the crushing weight of the gigantic machine.
I am filled with terror as I run to apparently a house.. I see two silhouettes sitting one older than the other facing me. Perhaps two women. I can't make them out but my emotions later tell me who they are.
As I think about the scene I cannot erase from my mind, I see the colors and it's vivid. I know where the scene actually takes place and who those two people are.
The two people sitting there emotionless and motionless are my mother and my step-sister. They sit there like they sat there so long ago when I came into the house after being made to witness my dad beat my big dog to death with a heavy hand held hammer. I was terrified as he mumbled something about teaching me a lesson. He held the German Shepard between his legs holding the dogs collar in his left hand as he hammered the dogs head with his right hand until I saw blood. The dog looked like he wondered what he had done. My heart broke. I stood in terror. Helpless in disbelief my heart stopped. I thought I was next! After the deed was done - rather after he was tired of hammering, he let the dog lay there.. eyes open, bloodied head.. to die.. then hollered at me to get in the house.
My mother and step-sister knew what was going on - I guess they had peered out the window at some point but were sitting in chairs as I walked in the kitchen. Silently I expected them to do something...something that was never done or disgusted. They both had smirks on their faces. Sick! As if they somehow approved of the sinful, cruel, dirty deed.
I didn't know what to do! My life changed in a moment. I was a different person. Somehow suddenly much older than my tender years. Some how I realized the reality of life in that moment and knew my life would be hell until I got old enough to get out of there. I knew until then I had to play the game.. to go along. To make do with what was dealt until I was old enough to get out and make my own life changes.
Funny, how you end up loving your captors - well you do in a way, because I lived in the country, on a farm, in isolation and depended on them for my livelihood. Back then kids had no rights and there were no social services.. only priests. And we know now not to trust them. In fact, I grew up not trusting anyone and not feeling loved - by anyone.
My heart ached all the time for years (until a woman, a lover, held me close to her heart [after sex], and kissed my head - finally, then I realized love). There were no hugs. I remember needing to be hugged so badly, but not knowing where to go for help. No one gave hugs. No one! One evening a guy walked me to my car and hugged me good night. He must have sensed that I needed to be hugged. We stood there by my car and he hugged me - a good hug. My heart confused and temporary band aided I think I cried all the way back home to that god awful place out there in the country still. I was confused.. I wanted a woman to love me. Something so foreign - yet so needed by my heart.
I didn't have a good enough job to move out yet.. but in time I did. I had crushed on girls. I day dreamed about warm, wonderful, beautiful women loving me..or rather me loving them because I couldn't quite picture anyone loving me. Life was emotionally painful and very lonely.
I held a secret. I had crushes on girls. Never a crush on a boy! Well, that's another entry...some day later on. I'll say this though - life was and is certainly a challenge when you are gay.
Now, I only hang with my gay friends. I want really nothing to do with family or straight people.. I had to pretend and hide myself way to long and refuse to do more.
I'm going to my girlfriend's house on the up and coming holiday. I'm looking forward to seeing her.. but not her family. I'm a fish out of water around alien straight people. I dread the day. I told her I'm parking on the street (so I won't get blocked in the driveway) so I can leave when I want". Funny!
Although, I know, I'll be fine! I'll just be glad when the day is over with. Like I said - I'm not into straight people... I've pretended to be straight and keep my "secret" life just that - secret so straight people won't be uncomfortable. I don't care anymore - about other's feelings - not about things like that anyway! I'm glad I ditched my so called "family"! Alleluia, free at last!!
And here is the dream: I was in the country somewhere. I guest exact location is not important. It was summer. Anyway, it was warm. But it must have been late summer or early Autumn because here comes a big green combine rumbling up the dirt farm field access road. Between myself and the combine about a five hundred yards is standing Sarah Palin. She's just there - don't ask me why I chose her to be in my dream. I get the feeling she is innocent in this scene. She just happens to be there as her husband is driving towards her in his apparent new combine. Something I feel that he has recently purchased. Her husband is driving towards her rather fast. He is sitting in the enclosed glass cab behind the controls. It appears he knows what he is doing as he looks straight ahead.
As he drives nearer to her, I get the feeling that he is not yet familiar with his new piece of machinery and I wonder if he is going to have trouble slowing down or even stopping. Soon, way to soon, before I realized my wondering thoughts are answers as I move quickly to the side and hopefully out of his way. I scamper up the hill side knowing he cannot drive the combine up the steep grassy, edged, hillside. Suddenly as I look back I see him run her down. The combine barrows down on her and all I see is she face down, brown hair flared, arm stretched out and face down flat! She gone! There is no way she can survive the crushing weight of the gigantic machine.
I am filled with terror as I run to apparently a house.. I see two silhouettes sitting one older than the other facing me. Perhaps two women. I can't make them out but my emotions later tell me who they are.
As I think about the scene I cannot erase from my mind, I see the colors and it's vivid. I know where the scene actually takes place and who those two people are.
The two people sitting there emotionless and motionless are my mother and my step-sister. They sit there like they sat there so long ago when I came into the house after being made to witness my dad beat my big dog to death with a heavy hand held hammer. I was terrified as he mumbled something about teaching me a lesson. He held the German Shepard between his legs holding the dogs collar in his left hand as he hammered the dogs head with his right hand until I saw blood. The dog looked like he wondered what he had done. My heart broke. I stood in terror. Helpless in disbelief my heart stopped. I thought I was next! After the deed was done - rather after he was tired of hammering, he let the dog lay there.. eyes open, bloodied head.. to die.. then hollered at me to get in the house.
My mother and step-sister knew what was going on - I guess they had peered out the window at some point but were sitting in chairs as I walked in the kitchen. Silently I expected them to do something...something that was never done or disgusted. They both had smirks on their faces. Sick! As if they somehow approved of the sinful, cruel, dirty deed.
I didn't know what to do! My life changed in a moment. I was a different person. Somehow suddenly much older than my tender years. Some how I realized the reality of life in that moment and knew my life would be hell until I got old enough to get out of there. I knew until then I had to play the game.. to go along. To make do with what was dealt until I was old enough to get out and make my own life changes.
Funny, how you end up loving your captors - well you do in a way, because I lived in the country, on a farm, in isolation and depended on them for my livelihood. Back then kids had no rights and there were no social services.. only priests. And we know now not to trust them. In fact, I grew up not trusting anyone and not feeling loved - by anyone.
My heart ached all the time for years (until a woman, a lover, held me close to her heart [after sex], and kissed my head - finally, then I realized love). There were no hugs. I remember needing to be hugged so badly, but not knowing where to go for help. No one gave hugs. No one! One evening a guy walked me to my car and hugged me good night. He must have sensed that I needed to be hugged. We stood there by my car and he hugged me - a good hug. My heart confused and temporary band aided I think I cried all the way back home to that god awful place out there in the country still. I was confused.. I wanted a woman to love me. Something so foreign - yet so needed by my heart.
I didn't have a good enough job to move out yet.. but in time I did. I had crushed on girls. I day dreamed about warm, wonderful, beautiful women loving me..or rather me loving them because I couldn't quite picture anyone loving me. Life was emotionally painful and very lonely.
I held a secret. I had crushes on girls. Never a crush on a boy! Well, that's another entry...some day later on. I'll say this though - life was and is certainly a challenge when you are gay.
Now, I only hang with my gay friends. I want really nothing to do with family or straight people.. I had to pretend and hide myself way to long and refuse to do more.
I'm going to my girlfriend's house on the up and coming holiday. I'm looking forward to seeing her.. but not her family. I'm a fish out of water around alien straight people. I dread the day. I told her I'm parking on the street (so I won't get blocked in the driveway) so I can leave when I want". Funny!
Although, I know, I'll be fine! I'll just be glad when the day is over with. Like I said - I'm not into straight people... I've pretended to be straight and keep my "secret" life just that - secret so straight people won't be uncomfortable. I don't care anymore - about other's feelings - not about things like that anyway! I'm glad I ditched my so called "family"! Alleluia, free at last!!
Monday, November 17, 2008
Seems the worm has turned
from my last entry post of November 6, 2008. It's now November 17, 2008 and I have been on the high protein low carb diet for a week now! I've read the "Protein Power" book several years ago in the late 90's. December 1999 my cholesterol was 280 with in seven months and 20 months my cholesterol was down to 180! Yes. Target is under 200. I ran then too and my HDL was high in the 70's but I was pushing 150!
After that I maintain about a 215 cholesterol level. But in 2004 I split with my partner of 15 years and got down to under 120 in weight..my cholesterol was about 180 then too. One day my weight was 115 and I actually was beginning to worry!
I'm checking back records and in September of 2005 my cholesterol was 202. I was running and eating a lot of sugar aids for energy such as Excel Gel and Glu and crap like that! NO more for me!
Today I'm eating high protein and low carb strictly on my own to get my cholesterol down. The doctor's office sent me a high carb lots of fruits and vegetables, bread and grain diet. No thanks - that how my cholesterol got high in the first place!
I read somewhere that our bodies product cholesterol and the less we get in our diets the more it produces. So I'm eating more lean protein, cottage cheese, creme cheese, sour cream dollops. No more sweets, candy, cakes, and cookes.
A physical therapist friend of mine told me that sweets cause inflamation - so there you are!
I recently heard on NPR that doctors even want to give out statins to people with normal cholesterol levels if they have high c r protein (an indicator of inflamation). Isn't that what we take baby aspirin for? Well, you know the drug companies have to pay for all those commericals that smack you in for face. I guess the idea is to brainwash you. It's amazing to me - people eat what they want then expect the doctor to give them something to fix it. I guess no one has any well power - at all! Everyone wants to take the easy route!
There is no easy route! It's a trade off! It's funny no matter how much money you have in this world.. like these greedy CEO's they still can't eat whatever they want! cha-ching!
So in summary, the worm has indeed turned! Eating healthy my butt! I was eating high carb smoothies with mango, papaya and pears. Candies and sweet too. No more!
Here's to health!
After that I maintain about a 215 cholesterol level. But in 2004 I split with my partner of 15 years and got down to under 120 in weight..my cholesterol was about 180 then too. One day my weight was 115 and I actually was beginning to worry!
I'm checking back records and in September of 2005 my cholesterol was 202. I was running and eating a lot of sugar aids for energy such as Excel Gel and Glu and crap like that! NO more for me!
Today I'm eating high protein and low carb strictly on my own to get my cholesterol down. The doctor's office sent me a high carb lots of fruits and vegetables, bread and grain diet. No thanks - that how my cholesterol got high in the first place!
I read somewhere that our bodies product cholesterol and the less we get in our diets the more it produces. So I'm eating more lean protein, cottage cheese, creme cheese, sour cream dollops. No more sweets, candy, cakes, and cookes.
A physical therapist friend of mine told me that sweets cause inflamation - so there you are!
I recently heard on NPR that doctors even want to give out statins to people with normal cholesterol levels if they have high c r protein (an indicator of inflamation). Isn't that what we take baby aspirin for? Well, you know the drug companies have to pay for all those commericals that smack you in for face. I guess the idea is to brainwash you. It's amazing to me - people eat what they want then expect the doctor to give them something to fix it. I guess no one has any well power - at all! Everyone wants to take the easy route!
There is no easy route! It's a trade off! It's funny no matter how much money you have in this world.. like these greedy CEO's they still can't eat whatever they want! cha-ching!
So in summary, the worm has indeed turned! Eating healthy my butt! I was eating high carb smoothies with mango, papaya and pears. Candies and sweet too. No more!
Here's to health!
Thursday, November 6, 2008
strange dream ... par for course.. of course
Well, I ate chocloate covered pecans about 9:30 or was it 10:30 PM.. no wonder! But, they were so good!
I'm trying to eat healthy with lots of fruits and vegetable.. smoothies and salads.. much less meat.. I think I am just naturally gravitating away from meats for some reason. Too heavy! I'm leaning more towards marinara pasta dishes or roasted peppers pizza. Great stuff. No cheese - but some.
Anyway, the dream? Could it be my diet? I am always concerned about my vintage SUV. I love it. I don't want to lose it or have to make a decision about a new vehicle or worse yet.. payments! Ugh! So I thank the universe and pray daily for it's safety and mine too of course. I also include all my applicanes and my health and body and brain and youthfulness. I love it! I love my life!
I love the fact that I know I will be running still well into my 80's and probably set records at 90, 100 and beyond. People are doing it now and each year life expectancy increases..with knowledge and I believe, the soul reason, is the soul!
Our spirit guides us..you know the old saying "mind over matter" well, I tottally believe there is more truth in that then what we shallowly believe. Oh people say it but do they truly believe in what they are declaring?
Our minds lead our bodies. Our minds, our thoughts, are the master soul processors that guide our day, our life, our furture. Think I'll hurry and type this and get out there to run... it's 64 degrees, cloudy, breezy and showery. I love it!
Oh the dream! Well for one thing I have a very busy mind. When I get up my thoughts race to complete things I want to do that day. Run, swim, yoga, play my sax, sing and play guitar, play bongos! Read, oh and yes, I should go to the artist guild today.. but do I really feel like it.. too confining and why feel inferior amongst pros. All though some days.. it's no big deal! Oh well!
There I was side tracked again! The dream.. I was driving a Mazda gray sporty looking thing like my friend has..some guy was heading right to me and appearing as if he may then try to turn sharply so I backed up.. so I got minor damage (but not to me) in the back and front! I was truly, heartfully, disgusted because I wish to preserve my car and keep it looking like new..as it did until this. Later.. during the dream I prayed in the dream that I was only dream the accident! I think I convinced myself that it was only a dream.. during the dream! Funny!
Also during the dream.. I was running to a sort of social event maze looking for my ex (things really haven't changed she is my best friend) or L my friend from K.C. I was missing the woman I am dating too.. I couldn't find her either. My heart was aching. I was feeling lonely and a little lost..missing my loves...plural! I found L from K.C. And she was very thin and had a totally different look. She was about about her appearance and later went on to explain now that she lost the weight she was going through the opereation? Operation? Sex change! Totally threw me off guard! But I'm excepting in my responses and throw in a hug!
Then there was another woman there who cornered all women and kissed them fully on the lips.. then I hear people cough (like at yoga rudely during our ending quiet period) and sneeze and then that woman kissed me wetly on the lips.. ugh! Last I remember I was working my way out of that straw, golden orange, village maze! My legs ached.. well not really ached.. It was like running through mud!
Sometimes life seems like that doesn't it, like you're running through mud! I think that came from running a half marathon last Sunday. My time 2:23 and I wanted it to be better more like 2:10 or 2:15 (my best ever was 2:15). Yes, it's on record at the trace club.. ln line if I google my name!
Well, I'm finished here. I am listening too to NPR Joan Baez( or is it Mitchell.. no looked it up.. with Joan Baez!!) Who sang.. "the man who drove old dixie down?". Wish I could play my guitar like that? How have to work on that! What a crystal clear soprano voice and she's in her 70's. I love getting older.. isn't that funny! Like I said.. it'a mental thing. We can't control the chronological age, the number of years we've been around but we certainly can control our thoughts, our spirits, our agility and flexibilities.
Recently a running mat sent me an article of Joy Johnson an 80 year old woman who sarted running at age 59 and runs several competitive runs and marathons throughout the year. She was running marathon in seven hours.. and decided she didn't want to be out there that long..so she enlisted in a runner's camp and did step work, weighs and more and won first place in the New York marathon for her age group 81 Plus. cause she actually trimmed 50 minutes from her time!
Can you imagine. How many "elderly" (not a good adjective here because again a state of mind.. to me elderly mean.. ill and thinking ill thoughts and expecting to be ill and full of aches and pain at a certain age). See those "negative" thoughts are not a part of my daily routine. Like Deepra Chropra says.. aging doesn't mean you have to get sick! Hello!
Do we make ourselves sick? Oh lucks of people with illnesses would be offended at that thought and the audacity of actually stating that commment! But, personally, I wonder? We all have needs, some subconscious. Some people need "attention" (love I guess) and think they only way they can get it is through pain and illness. I disagree. I say do something profoundly happy and pride enhancing.. achieve something outstanding and that promotes health.
Do you think this 80 year old wonder has pain? I saw her run in the video she was smooth and not stooped. She was tall, attractive, straight and proud. I could see very close due to the quality of the video but the author of the article said her she had pretty skin. Is that too amazing?
So, since writing this and of course thinking about all that I am writing.. since I just drank my 16 oz. of Zipp Fizz I am going for a run.
I love to run in the rain.. well, if it's probably sixty degrees and above. So off I go.. but I'm torn should I quick play a tune on my sax to warm my lungs..
I have the sheet music for "Crazy" by Patsy Cline so I want to, this afternoon, I guess, sing and play with guitar..then play with Sax. I'll play solely with sax now, or is it souly? I think souly? I love my life!
Each day I thank the universe and my special master spiritual guides and I ask that my day be magical - and it then later in the evening in retrospect.. I feel that the day was indeed magical. It's how we look at it all you know! It's the simple things! Yoga, with a great instructor! A run in the rain! A wonderful pizza shared with a lover! The warm wonderful beauty and closeness of another body next to me! Pleasing another! It's magical!
I'm spiritual and believe we can create our realities, our environments and our days.. I do just that! I wondered, I believe, to be born and live an active life with a certain, attractiveness, I have that! I appreciate young women's compliments that "you look hot in those running shorts.. are they new"? HOw wonderfully cool is that?... now that's magical!!! And you know what.. I wanted it that way.. I created that moment before it even happens.
Years ago my good buddy Ezekiel (a channeled spirit) told me you will good with younger people.. you are happy with them.. ) and I am... I get the biggest charge out of them.. their energy.. or lack of energy. I think I see that youth isn't really the "end all" but the ideal place to be.. even in youth our state of mind.. our thoughts are very important. They, some of them, have more aches and pains and eating restrictions then I do? So, you see where I get my reasoning? My conclusion that prehaps indeed our thoughts are very powerful.... or another way of saying "I can't". Again, I believe, we create our limitations.
I know I don't ever want to run a marathon.. half marathons are good enough for me...only if I could run it in over three hours. Funny, the forty some year old woman who got the gold ran the maratonn in 2:23.. exactly what it takes me to run a half at 10:20 pace.. so you know her pace was 5:10.. a five minute mile.. is that too extreme or what? Okay off I go.. out to run.. Can't wait.. I'll take NPR with me.
Guess I won't make it to artist guild or I"ll be late. I want to swim today too...see my mind goes in all directions.. I want to do everything.. until I get into one thing and just start doing it.. like run.. come on let's go before I get too hungry!
later........
I'm trying to eat healthy with lots of fruits and vegetable.. smoothies and salads.. much less meat.. I think I am just naturally gravitating away from meats for some reason. Too heavy! I'm leaning more towards marinara pasta dishes or roasted peppers pizza. Great stuff. No cheese - but some.
Anyway, the dream? Could it be my diet? I am always concerned about my vintage SUV. I love it. I don't want to lose it or have to make a decision about a new vehicle or worse yet.. payments! Ugh! So I thank the universe and pray daily for it's safety and mine too of course. I also include all my applicanes and my health and body and brain and youthfulness. I love it! I love my life!
I love the fact that I know I will be running still well into my 80's and probably set records at 90, 100 and beyond. People are doing it now and each year life expectancy increases..with knowledge and I believe, the soul reason, is the soul!
Our spirit guides us..you know the old saying "mind over matter" well, I tottally believe there is more truth in that then what we shallowly believe. Oh people say it but do they truly believe in what they are declaring?
Our minds lead our bodies. Our minds, our thoughts, are the master soul processors that guide our day, our life, our furture. Think I'll hurry and type this and get out there to run... it's 64 degrees, cloudy, breezy and showery. I love it!
Oh the dream! Well for one thing I have a very busy mind. When I get up my thoughts race to complete things I want to do that day. Run, swim, yoga, play my sax, sing and play guitar, play bongos! Read, oh and yes, I should go to the artist guild today.. but do I really feel like it.. too confining and why feel inferior amongst pros. All though some days.. it's no big deal! Oh well!
There I was side tracked again! The dream.. I was driving a Mazda gray sporty looking thing like my friend has..some guy was heading right to me and appearing as if he may then try to turn sharply so I backed up.. so I got minor damage (but not to me) in the back and front! I was truly, heartfully, disgusted because I wish to preserve my car and keep it looking like new..as it did until this. Later.. during the dream I prayed in the dream that I was only dream the accident! I think I convinced myself that it was only a dream.. during the dream! Funny!
Also during the dream.. I was running to a sort of social event maze looking for my ex (things really haven't changed she is my best friend) or L my friend from K.C. I was missing the woman I am dating too.. I couldn't find her either. My heart was aching. I was feeling lonely and a little lost..missing my loves...plural! I found L from K.C. And she was very thin and had a totally different look. She was about about her appearance and later went on to explain now that she lost the weight she was going through the opereation? Operation? Sex change! Totally threw me off guard! But I'm excepting in my responses and throw in a hug!
Then there was another woman there who cornered all women and kissed them fully on the lips.. then I hear people cough (like at yoga rudely during our ending quiet period) and sneeze and then that woman kissed me wetly on the lips.. ugh! Last I remember I was working my way out of that straw, golden orange, village maze! My legs ached.. well not really ached.. It was like running through mud!
Sometimes life seems like that doesn't it, like you're running through mud! I think that came from running a half marathon last Sunday. My time 2:23 and I wanted it to be better more like 2:10 or 2:15 (my best ever was 2:15). Yes, it's on record at the trace club.. ln line if I google my name!
Well, I'm finished here. I am listening too to NPR Joan Baez( or is it Mitchell.. no looked it up.. with Joan Baez!!) Who sang.. "the man who drove old dixie down?". Wish I could play my guitar like that? How have to work on that! What a crystal clear soprano voice and she's in her 70's. I love getting older.. isn't that funny! Like I said.. it'a mental thing. We can't control the chronological age, the number of years we've been around but we certainly can control our thoughts, our spirits, our agility and flexibilities.
Recently a running mat sent me an article of Joy Johnson an 80 year old woman who sarted running at age 59 and runs several competitive runs and marathons throughout the year. She was running marathon in seven hours.. and decided she didn't want to be out there that long..so she enlisted in a runner's camp and did step work, weighs and more and won first place in the New York marathon for her age group 81 Plus. cause she actually trimmed 50 minutes from her time!
Can you imagine. How many "elderly" (not a good adjective here because again a state of mind.. to me elderly mean.. ill and thinking ill thoughts and expecting to be ill and full of aches and pain at a certain age). See those "negative" thoughts are not a part of my daily routine. Like Deepra Chropra says.. aging doesn't mean you have to get sick! Hello!
Do we make ourselves sick? Oh lucks of people with illnesses would be offended at that thought and the audacity of actually stating that commment! But, personally, I wonder? We all have needs, some subconscious. Some people need "attention" (love I guess) and think they only way they can get it is through pain and illness. I disagree. I say do something profoundly happy and pride enhancing.. achieve something outstanding and that promotes health.
Do you think this 80 year old wonder has pain? I saw her run in the video she was smooth and not stooped. She was tall, attractive, straight and proud. I could see very close due to the quality of the video but the author of the article said her she had pretty skin. Is that too amazing?
So, since writing this and of course thinking about all that I am writing.. since I just drank my 16 oz. of Zipp Fizz I am going for a run.
I love to run in the rain.. well, if it's probably sixty degrees and above. So off I go.. but I'm torn should I quick play a tune on my sax to warm my lungs..
I have the sheet music for "Crazy" by Patsy Cline so I want to, this afternoon, I guess, sing and play with guitar..then play with Sax. I'll play solely with sax now, or is it souly? I think souly? I love my life!
Each day I thank the universe and my special master spiritual guides and I ask that my day be magical - and it then later in the evening in retrospect.. I feel that the day was indeed magical. It's how we look at it all you know! It's the simple things! Yoga, with a great instructor! A run in the rain! A wonderful pizza shared with a lover! The warm wonderful beauty and closeness of another body next to me! Pleasing another! It's magical!
I'm spiritual and believe we can create our realities, our environments and our days.. I do just that! I wondered, I believe, to be born and live an active life with a certain, attractiveness, I have that! I appreciate young women's compliments that "you look hot in those running shorts.. are they new"? HOw wonderfully cool is that?... now that's magical!!! And you know what.. I wanted it that way.. I created that moment before it even happens.
Years ago my good buddy Ezekiel (a channeled spirit) told me you will good with younger people.. you are happy with them.. ) and I am... I get the biggest charge out of them.. their energy.. or lack of energy. I think I see that youth isn't really the "end all" but the ideal place to be.. even in youth our state of mind.. our thoughts are very important. They, some of them, have more aches and pains and eating restrictions then I do? So, you see where I get my reasoning? My conclusion that prehaps indeed our thoughts are very powerful.... or another way of saying "I can't". Again, I believe, we create our limitations.
I know I don't ever want to run a marathon.. half marathons are good enough for me...only if I could run it in over three hours. Funny, the forty some year old woman who got the gold ran the maratonn in 2:23.. exactly what it takes me to run a half at 10:20 pace.. so you know her pace was 5:10.. a five minute mile.. is that too extreme or what? Okay off I go.. out to run.. Can't wait.. I'll take NPR with me.
Guess I won't make it to artist guild or I"ll be late. I want to swim today too...see my mind goes in all directions.. I want to do everything.. until I get into one thing and just start doing it.. like run.. come on let's go before I get too hungry!
later........
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Another stressful dream last night
I'm usually isolated without allies and worry what people think of me. Weird! What do I care. I don't now!
My love says she loves her own company.. that she could go days witout talking to anyone.. me too - almost!
But you know! When I am with others... it's all about them anyway - really. Their thoughts; their wants and desires.
I feel centered in my solitude. I've come to make friends with it; with myself! with my spirit guides. With my yoga class. There is something very spiritual about my yoga class.. it's fabulous. I keep trying to convince my love to come with me. It would be wonderful for her.
My love says she loves her own company.. that she could go days witout talking to anyone.. me too - almost!
But you know! When I am with others... it's all about them anyway - really. Their thoughts; their wants and desires.
I feel centered in my solitude. I've come to make friends with it; with myself! with my spirit guides. With my yoga class. There is something very spiritual about my yoga class.. it's fabulous. I keep trying to convince my love to come with me. It would be wonderful for her.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
scary dreams...why?
I always have scary, stressful dreams. Last night I slept very soundly and woke up in a stress dream. I was yelling at this guy, just because he was there and I was trying to do many things at one time. I was trying to second guess or predict what another wanted too. I knew I couldn't get it all done the more I realized what I had to do yet...as I walked through the house leaving - I saw her in the kitchen, or like a kitchen, for a second - the good doctor. A flash of comfort and shame too, I hoped she didn't hear me yell at that guy! I try so hard to please, to impress!
I'm scared about the economy. I worry! I'm sure the universe is filled with vibrations of worry and that is not good. I try to keep a positive attitude!
It's hard but in my heart, my intuition tells me that all will be fine. And soon! Right after the big super eight countries meet this weekend. Let's see if I can name them. England, Canada, Germany, Russia, France, Italy, I need two more..maybe it was seven countries. The ones I mentioned above are one that I am sure are on the list to meet this weekend and help get the economy balanced onced again.
Anyway, these are scary times. We are all uneasy. I pray to the universe for peace and good fortune for everyone! I pray this economical mess gets cleared up quickly and we "all" prosper - not just the rich - the crooked rich. May they be prosecuted and some of these bonuses, golden parachutes removed and given to share holders and employees.
I thank for universe for my wonderful, most generous, kind friends who say they miss me and invite me to events! Life is priceless that way! I am very rich! I am wealthy in matters of the heart! Very wealthy! Friends are priceless!
I thank for universe for my painfree, accident free activities. My strong lungs, my agile abilities.
I'm scared about the economy. I worry! I'm sure the universe is filled with vibrations of worry and that is not good. I try to keep a positive attitude!
It's hard but in my heart, my intuition tells me that all will be fine. And soon! Right after the big super eight countries meet this weekend. Let's see if I can name them. England, Canada, Germany, Russia, France, Italy, I need two more..maybe it was seven countries. The ones I mentioned above are one that I am sure are on the list to meet this weekend and help get the economy balanced onced again.
Anyway, these are scary times. We are all uneasy. I pray to the universe for peace and good fortune for everyone! I pray this economical mess gets cleared up quickly and we "all" prosper - not just the rich - the crooked rich. May they be prosecuted and some of these bonuses, golden parachutes removed and given to share holders and employees.
I thank for universe for my wonderful, most generous, kind friends who say they miss me and invite me to events! Life is priceless that way! I am very rich! I am wealthy in matters of the heart! Very wealthy! Friends are priceless!
I thank for universe for my painfree, accident free activities. My strong lungs, my agile abilities.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Strangle dreams
Enclosed dreams. Feelings of being bonded and not being able to get loose. Strangle-hold dreams.
I was having dream such as this recently I believe, because I was confused and trapped in deciding between relationships. I guess one can decide? One is free and one is not.
I choose the single, free one. The strangle hold dreams have ended.
I was having dream such as this recently I believe, because I was confused and trapped in deciding between relationships. I guess one can decide? One is free and one is not.
I choose the single, free one. The strangle hold dreams have ended.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
sweet dream
finally I had a sweet warm dream. Most of my life my dreams have been filled with anxiety. This was about a very sweet and attractive woman putting the moves and me; gently I might add. Just enough to let me know that she was very interested.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
the rivers are rising and my dream relates to this and to M's pot and self destructive stubbornness.
I was dreaming a small, aged man sat in his own world drinking. Someone kept bossing me and telling me what I should do; that I should hurry that cleaning or whatever had to be done in a certain way. Bug things that shifting and moving. Things in bright colors moved. Someone was always on me causing mental stress. I was to hurry; they would be here soon.
The little man like character confined to drink. Sat bent, rounded shoulders with head down. Quiet warped and engulped in the duty of self sacrifice. The we were called. I see unrecognizable dark shallow figures in shapes of han form. I heard myself yelling about hopefully self destructive behavior that falls on death ears. Soon we are called to duty like demand. The man, the boss is coming. Time to jump into action which showed up as a mighty debris flowing brown river 20 feet below our cliff we stood on. I was expected to jump according to the little old man into the obyss. I hesitated thinking it foolish and dangerous. The little old man having to prove himself one more time knowing he is professional and able to compete jumps before my very eyes. He hits bunched floating timbers and soon I see his face down floating body. With fear gripping my heart I run. Like a shadow memory the action repeats two more times and each time I feel that I am expected to jump but I catch myself and hold back in safety each time.
I remain wise and free. I tried but I am not self destructive enough for my heart is in a different place.
I thin the dream is about dual personallity perhaps M. Feminine in dutifull marriage and perhaps nutch at heart not really expecting a woman to stand by her side but loving that woman and the man she will not leave.
I was dreaming a small, aged man sat in his own world drinking. Someone kept bossing me and telling me what I should do; that I should hurry that cleaning or whatever had to be done in a certain way. Bug things that shifting and moving. Things in bright colors moved. Someone was always on me causing mental stress. I was to hurry; they would be here soon.
The little man like character confined to drink. Sat bent, rounded shoulders with head down. Quiet warped and engulped in the duty of self sacrifice. The we were called. I see unrecognizable dark shallow figures in shapes of han form. I heard myself yelling about hopefully self destructive behavior that falls on death ears. Soon we are called to duty like demand. The man, the boss is coming. Time to jump into action which showed up as a mighty debris flowing brown river 20 feet below our cliff we stood on. I was expected to jump according to the little old man into the obyss. I hesitated thinking it foolish and dangerous. The little old man having to prove himself one more time knowing he is professional and able to compete jumps before my very eyes. He hits bunched floating timbers and soon I see his face down floating body. With fear gripping my heart I run. Like a shadow memory the action repeats two more times and each time I feel that I am expected to jump but I catch myself and hold back in safety each time.
I remain wise and free. I tried but I am not self destructive enough for my heart is in a different place.
I thin the dream is about dual personallity perhaps M. Feminine in dutifull marriage and perhaps nutch at heart not really expecting a woman to stand by her side but loving that woman and the man she will not leave.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Dreaming of her
I got to bed late so slept in...nice. I had a dream. I and someone I like and trust and look up to were helping the good doctor move. There were little kids there. Things were a little messy and scattered and unsettled. She was calm. Beautiful! My heart was lifted, just to see her again even from a distance. I felt her energy; the magic of her. Made my heart ache! I guess I woke up before anything else when on. I was just nervous and uneasy about coming face to face with her. She always made me feel comfortable - so don't know why. I'm sure she understood what went on with me - back then.
In a way it was comforting. I awoke feeling refreshed and ready to go.
In a way it was comforting. I awoke feeling refreshed and ready to go.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
A mother of a nightmare
You see I'm not real thrilled about my mother - never was. She was demanding, intimidating, conditional, without affection, correcting, humiliating, and controlling. I was her humble companion and servant. Ugh! A dreadful childhood accompanied by daily bickering, arguing and fighting. They should have been divorced! He was absent mentally and emotionally. He was jealous. If he did pay attention to me then she was jealous! It was sickening!
Anyway, last evening I was reading a book by Brian L. Weiss, M.D. called "Same Soul, Many Bodies". A great read, by the way, until I got to the forgiveness part towards the end. To forgive is to heal. To patch up and make amends is to heal or is it heel (like a dog). No thanks - never in a million years. And she (he either, none of them) better not come into my life ever again - not in this one and not in any future life. I mean it when I say I never want to see them again. It's been three happy, wonderful, painless years that I'm rid of all of them. I rejoice the day I escaped their greedy, holier-than-thou mitts. What a bunch of hypocrites!
Let's put it this way, I'm on a higher universal, heavenly plain then they are. I'm a more advanced soul. Without confrontation, because I do not wish to "fix" I wish to escape and get the hell out and away from them. To confront would mean that I want to make change and a possible amends - no way! I don't even care "that" much. Good bye! Good riddance!
Last evening while reading the book about the part saying we can only move on if we make amends and forgive I thought a definite "no". Do you want to see her dead? Spending the rest of my life in prison doesn't make much sense to me! So, regardless of advice and what the written word (on any one's page) may tell you one has to do what one's gut tells them to do. My ex could never figure this out either. She thought amends would be nice. I think they kept bugging her or she compared mine with her idea relationship with her mother, Rita too, Liz too. But psychologist, yes, more than two or three, have told me that my family relationship is none of their business. The business is between myself and the evil one. I never had words. You see the woman was always one sided - her side. She's a little crazy herself. She always ignored my life; my life style, and then when I tried to help her at one point - she fired back that I read too many books and how could Lou stand to live with me? Right then and there I knew I was dealing with a crazy woman. Her mother was the same way. A really, really, selfish woman! My step-sister, whoever her father is, that was all under the rug too, to protect Arlene, is the same way.
I figured it was better to just stay away. Actually, I''m done! And when I'm done; I'm done. So maybe I should continue correspondence with Marcia. I don't know. But, I should get "it" to that point again where I need time for myself again. Well, she married, she lives far away, gas is expensive, and he raising her grand son now. It's like - let it go! Well, she's first born and first born feel they have to be Catholic perfect! I hate the Catholic church!
So, I had this dream last night I was trying to escape up a rung-less ladder away from her, my mother. I was trying to hide at the same time and be quiet as I heard her voice coming closer behind me; she was speaking, having a conversation with someone. So far, she didn't know I was there. I so wanted to escape. I had to wake myself up. I was becoming so exhausted as my footing kept slipping away from under me as I tried to climb up the wall. I couldn't take it any more and woke myself up. I had read in that god-awful-book about making amends before I could go on. And now I have decided that a "man" a "human being" wrote those words collectively from past life and future life dreams of people regressed or progressed into the future by hypnosis. I'm not there yet. I don't ever want to witness her evil spirit again in present, past or future tense. Please! I've had enough!
I only want love in my life and she (and they) have messed me up. I can't accept love for some reason. I don't know love. No one has ever purposed me - while boys have (but I'm a lesbian). The only women I have had or the ones that I have gone after - why is that? And then I get them; but then I become putty; a mere puppet and I lose myself in the relationship. After a while when I can't take it anymore I abruptly leave. While it eats at me. I try to make it work and then suddenly one day I know that it can't and I have to leave; get out of the relationship.
I know that if I had an affectionate, loving, warm woman who was beautiful and enjoyed the same things I do that things would be different. I never had affection. All my affection came in pretend day dreaming. As a kid and grown up, I would stare off into space pretending this beautiful woman loved me. I would feel her love.
I know it's why I fell so in love with the good doctor. I felt her warmth and love. She touched my heart. When she held me I felt her heart. First of all, I didn't expect her to put her arms around me but when she did I felt the most love I ever felt in my life. Her love was unsolicited. She was going to take my hand in good bye but decided to hug me instead. Actually, I guess it was a smart move on her part. But, I don't think she suspected how I felt about her. I love her and certainly didn't mean to upset her or make her mad or insult her. She could had lectured me to high heaven but she, being true to her wonderful heart, didn't. I will love that moment and this woman until the day I die! Sometimes what takes a few minutes can last many life times.
I love that saying. I saw it on a sign on a carousal in the zoo "What takes on minutes, can last many life times". I love the saying because it tells me the author believes as I do in reincarnation. Some say we keep coming back until we get it right.
Man, it appears many executives and big shot greedy heads of state, and government and greedy CEO's will be back many times in many capacities until they learn to get it right!
We have a lot of so called nice people here on earth until it comes time to make a living or a buck then look out. Or as in the case of insurance companies denying coverage and claims - to save a buck for the company. How inhumane is that? How do they face themselves in the mirror each morning? I only hate my mother - I don't go out killing people every day - hello!
Now, I"m going to swing way out here: And how about the coincidence between January 20, 2001 when Bush sold office and September 11, 2001 and the "attack" in New York. Don't try not to tell me that that wasn't in the works way ahead of time to get us into war with Iraq to protect the oil. We had to be in cahoots with them in one way of another. Bush doesn't speak much about his Saudi friends anymore does he? Remember the picture of him holding hands with the one leader. Yeah, all airports shut down and all the Saudis were escorted out of the country without questioning. Well, they're friends.
I saw something significant last September that evidently I was the only one who thought was significant. Well, we were on a Missouri river kayaking and looking up I see a huge plane with F18 escorts at all four corners. Pretty cool actually! I wondered who it was. I figured it had to be the president; but there was nothing mentioned on the news. Hm! Actually it was quite a sight! They plane was way up there 35,000 feet which indicated it was indeed just flying over, and heading North.
I know I got off track - I usually do. I think we need to maintain some dignity too while we are here and progressing in our many lives. I demand respect - and in simple things like just spelling my name correctly. And it's common - if you treat me right then I like you - or even may love you. There is a reason why I can't stand to be in the presence of my mother or family.
When my dad died - I was glad! Just what does that tell you?
I cried like hell when my dog died. I cried when I left my ex and I still miss her at times (oh I was on a mission, a spiritual mission that M was part of. I was influenced by spirits past - I have the tape to prove it!). I still miss my ex. I miss being in a good, solid relationship, I miss having a partner. I cry a lot. I can love. I love my friends. I want to be in a relationship - but this time we will be matched well and she will be very loving and I very loving to her. Our time together will be precious.
M says she loves me. I think we loved the physical closeness. Well, I did, until I realized that somewhere, somehow I could actually have more. Why should she have both worlds and neither gets her full self? That's not right!
So, it's a work in progress and in the meantime I'll keep dreaming. My whole life has been a damn dream it feels at times. It's how I got my love needs met as a child. I would meet a tender, affectionate woman and dream of her throughout the day and how she loved me. I didn't know what it was to feel arms around me. When I was a toddler my mother pushed me away as my father laughed. I was too big to hold. I remember was a young woman - needed to be hugged desperately but not wanting it forced by asking - and a young man must have sensed this - for as he walked me to my car - he hugged me. I felt my skin burn and my heart swell. I cried all the way home. It was a tough time then, I dated men but was in love with women. A very tough time. So now you see why I'm all messed up?
Ever listen to successful people speak about their beginnings? Most will say that they had a mentor - someone who encouraged them and told them they could be anything they wanted to be. Usually this was one or both parents or a teacher. I didn't have that - I began in the "red"; in the "negative" and first had to pull myself out of that state before I even got started. I knew I would never marry and live like my mother - I would never have kids - because the love just wasn't there. I wasn't shown love in order to past it on to my children. And I certainly didn't want to live like her.
Once when I was seventeen and as I listened to a usual daily argument between the two of them I say "I'm never getting married". My mother blurted out "You're supposed to!" What kind of a stupid ass answer was that? Anyway, again no confrontation from me but I thought to myself "no way - and live like you? No way".
I was scared most of my life. I had no safe haven. No arms to crawl into and feel the warmth of love and security. In my next life, my mother will be just like the good doctor. She has the biggest, warmth heart, I had ever seen. And she loved me - if only for a moment. Well, she felt my pain. God, my heart was aching - it felt as if it were bleeding out on onto the floor. I heard her say "it hurts my heart" after she said "I can't do this". I think our hearts bonded that day. Hopefully we'll love in another lifetime - I'm counting on it. And maybe we did love in a former life - and our hearts remembered. But in this life, the timing is off! I will love her spirit for many, many life times - that much I know for sure.
I think all of my lives have been hard - it's time, I demand it, for a happy life. And times begins now! I demand it! Hey, I have a say in this. It's my energy I'm putting out there - and universe I demand you work with me on this! Remember Edy - you owe me - big time! You got your love - where is mine? And no - M won't do! You know what I want. The order has been placed - now fulfil it! I will expect her to come to me very soon! Very soon! She comes to me - gives me indications - and it feels right! She meets me more than half way. I am not afraid but welcome her love and advances. And, once more, this time - it is right! Everything is right!
Anyway, last evening I was reading a book by Brian L. Weiss, M.D. called "Same Soul, Many Bodies". A great read, by the way, until I got to the forgiveness part towards the end. To forgive is to heal. To patch up and make amends is to heal or is it heel (like a dog). No thanks - never in a million years. And she (he either, none of them) better not come into my life ever again - not in this one and not in any future life. I mean it when I say I never want to see them again. It's been three happy, wonderful, painless years that I'm rid of all of them. I rejoice the day I escaped their greedy, holier-than-thou mitts. What a bunch of hypocrites!
Let's put it this way, I'm on a higher universal, heavenly plain then they are. I'm a more advanced soul. Without confrontation, because I do not wish to "fix" I wish to escape and get the hell out and away from them. To confront would mean that I want to make change and a possible amends - no way! I don't even care "that" much. Good bye! Good riddance!
Last evening while reading the book about the part saying we can only move on if we make amends and forgive I thought a definite "no". Do you want to see her dead? Spending the rest of my life in prison doesn't make much sense to me! So, regardless of advice and what the written word (on any one's page) may tell you one has to do what one's gut tells them to do. My ex could never figure this out either. She thought amends would be nice. I think they kept bugging her or she compared mine with her idea relationship with her mother, Rita too, Liz too. But psychologist, yes, more than two or three, have told me that my family relationship is none of their business. The business is between myself and the evil one. I never had words. You see the woman was always one sided - her side. She's a little crazy herself. She always ignored my life; my life style, and then when I tried to help her at one point - she fired back that I read too many books and how could Lou stand to live with me? Right then and there I knew I was dealing with a crazy woman. Her mother was the same way. A really, really, selfish woman! My step-sister, whoever her father is, that was all under the rug too, to protect Arlene, is the same way.
I figured it was better to just stay away. Actually, I''m done! And when I'm done; I'm done. So maybe I should continue correspondence with Marcia. I don't know. But, I should get "it" to that point again where I need time for myself again. Well, she married, she lives far away, gas is expensive, and he raising her grand son now. It's like - let it go! Well, she's first born and first born feel they have to be Catholic perfect! I hate the Catholic church!
So, I had this dream last night I was trying to escape up a rung-less ladder away from her, my mother. I was trying to hide at the same time and be quiet as I heard her voice coming closer behind me; she was speaking, having a conversation with someone. So far, she didn't know I was there. I so wanted to escape. I had to wake myself up. I was becoming so exhausted as my footing kept slipping away from under me as I tried to climb up the wall. I couldn't take it any more and woke myself up. I had read in that god-awful-book about making amends before I could go on. And now I have decided that a "man" a "human being" wrote those words collectively from past life and future life dreams of people regressed or progressed into the future by hypnosis. I'm not there yet. I don't ever want to witness her evil spirit again in present, past or future tense. Please! I've had enough!
I only want love in my life and she (and they) have messed me up. I can't accept love for some reason. I don't know love. No one has ever purposed me - while boys have (but I'm a lesbian). The only women I have had or the ones that I have gone after - why is that? And then I get them; but then I become putty; a mere puppet and I lose myself in the relationship. After a while when I can't take it anymore I abruptly leave. While it eats at me. I try to make it work and then suddenly one day I know that it can't and I have to leave; get out of the relationship.
I know that if I had an affectionate, loving, warm woman who was beautiful and enjoyed the same things I do that things would be different. I never had affection. All my affection came in pretend day dreaming. As a kid and grown up, I would stare off into space pretending this beautiful woman loved me. I would feel her love.
I know it's why I fell so in love with the good doctor. I felt her warmth and love. She touched my heart. When she held me I felt her heart. First of all, I didn't expect her to put her arms around me but when she did I felt the most love I ever felt in my life. Her love was unsolicited. She was going to take my hand in good bye but decided to hug me instead. Actually, I guess it was a smart move on her part. But, I don't think she suspected how I felt about her. I love her and certainly didn't mean to upset her or make her mad or insult her. She could had lectured me to high heaven but she, being true to her wonderful heart, didn't. I will love that moment and this woman until the day I die! Sometimes what takes a few minutes can last many life times.
I love that saying. I saw it on a sign on a carousal in the zoo "What takes on minutes, can last many life times". I love the saying because it tells me the author believes as I do in reincarnation. Some say we keep coming back until we get it right.
Man, it appears many executives and big shot greedy heads of state, and government and greedy CEO's will be back many times in many capacities until they learn to get it right!
We have a lot of so called nice people here on earth until it comes time to make a living or a buck then look out. Or as in the case of insurance companies denying coverage and claims - to save a buck for the company. How inhumane is that? How do they face themselves in the mirror each morning? I only hate my mother - I don't go out killing people every day - hello!
Now, I"m going to swing way out here: And how about the coincidence between January 20, 2001 when Bush sold office and September 11, 2001 and the "attack" in New York. Don't try not to tell me that that wasn't in the works way ahead of time to get us into war with Iraq to protect the oil. We had to be in cahoots with them in one way of another. Bush doesn't speak much about his Saudi friends anymore does he? Remember the picture of him holding hands with the one leader. Yeah, all airports shut down and all the Saudis were escorted out of the country without questioning. Well, they're friends.
I saw something significant last September that evidently I was the only one who thought was significant. Well, we were on a Missouri river kayaking and looking up I see a huge plane with F18 escorts at all four corners. Pretty cool actually! I wondered who it was. I figured it had to be the president; but there was nothing mentioned on the news. Hm! Actually it was quite a sight! They plane was way up there 35,000 feet which indicated it was indeed just flying over, and heading North.
I know I got off track - I usually do. I think we need to maintain some dignity too while we are here and progressing in our many lives. I demand respect - and in simple things like just spelling my name correctly. And it's common - if you treat me right then I like you - or even may love you. There is a reason why I can't stand to be in the presence of my mother or family.
When my dad died - I was glad! Just what does that tell you?
I cried like hell when my dog died. I cried when I left my ex and I still miss her at times (oh I was on a mission, a spiritual mission that M was part of. I was influenced by spirits past - I have the tape to prove it!). I still miss my ex. I miss being in a good, solid relationship, I miss having a partner. I cry a lot. I can love. I love my friends. I want to be in a relationship - but this time we will be matched well and she will be very loving and I very loving to her. Our time together will be precious.
M says she loves me. I think we loved the physical closeness. Well, I did, until I realized that somewhere, somehow I could actually have more. Why should she have both worlds and neither gets her full self? That's not right!
So, it's a work in progress and in the meantime I'll keep dreaming. My whole life has been a damn dream it feels at times. It's how I got my love needs met as a child. I would meet a tender, affectionate woman and dream of her throughout the day and how she loved me. I didn't know what it was to feel arms around me. When I was a toddler my mother pushed me away as my father laughed. I was too big to hold. I remember was a young woman - needed to be hugged desperately but not wanting it forced by asking - and a young man must have sensed this - for as he walked me to my car - he hugged me. I felt my skin burn and my heart swell. I cried all the way home. It was a tough time then, I dated men but was in love with women. A very tough time. So now you see why I'm all messed up?
Ever listen to successful people speak about their beginnings? Most will say that they had a mentor - someone who encouraged them and told them they could be anything they wanted to be. Usually this was one or both parents or a teacher. I didn't have that - I began in the "red"; in the "negative" and first had to pull myself out of that state before I even got started. I knew I would never marry and live like my mother - I would never have kids - because the love just wasn't there. I wasn't shown love in order to past it on to my children. And I certainly didn't want to live like her.
Once when I was seventeen and as I listened to a usual daily argument between the two of them I say "I'm never getting married". My mother blurted out "You're supposed to!" What kind of a stupid ass answer was that? Anyway, again no confrontation from me but I thought to myself "no way - and live like you? No way".
I was scared most of my life. I had no safe haven. No arms to crawl into and feel the warmth of love and security. In my next life, my mother will be just like the good doctor. She has the biggest, warmth heart, I had ever seen. And she loved me - if only for a moment. Well, she felt my pain. God, my heart was aching - it felt as if it were bleeding out on onto the floor. I heard her say "it hurts my heart" after she said "I can't do this". I think our hearts bonded that day. Hopefully we'll love in another lifetime - I'm counting on it. And maybe we did love in a former life - and our hearts remembered. But in this life, the timing is off! I will love her spirit for many, many life times - that much I know for sure.
I think all of my lives have been hard - it's time, I demand it, for a happy life. And times begins now! I demand it! Hey, I have a say in this. It's my energy I'm putting out there - and universe I demand you work with me on this! Remember Edy - you owe me - big time! You got your love - where is mine? And no - M won't do! You know what I want. The order has been placed - now fulfil it! I will expect her to come to me very soon! Very soon! She comes to me - gives me indications - and it feels right! She meets me more than half way. I am not afraid but welcome her love and advances. And, once more, this time - it is right! Everything is right!
Hey, you misspelled my name (again)
Several nights ago I dreamt that I was sitting down at a desk with two tablets in front of me and at a fast pace trying to copy the things on one tablet to another actually as they were written on the first tablet. I was having a heck of a time. As soon as I finished copying one page I noticed I had left off and incorrectly written something down and it was in pen and ink I was in a hurry and quickly began frustrated. I had many dreams such as this when I was working.
I then realized why I had this dream. I was juiced up with Bloc energy gels made with green tea caffeine and when I went to pick up my running packet I was in a hurry. And before I got there I knew it would be mass confusion and unorganized - and it was. I get to the table someone directed me to then after waiting and I get up to the woman she tells me to go over to another table and look up my number then come back. So I had to do that! Why not have the numbers at the table where the big woman so comfortably sat on her butt I thought. So then I had to get back in line after I retrieved my number and made sure that I still remembered it correctly when I got up to her. Stupid! Have the list there! Morons!
She then she tries to find the tag with my number. It doesn't exist - so she sends me to yet another table where that woman is going to re-register me and hand me another numbered tag. I wait in line yet again. Then as directed I fill out another entry form. She waits. Then she copies my name, age and sex onto another form. She spells my name wrong. Right in front of me. She can't even copy my name correctly. I jump on this! "You misspelled my name" I rather harshly expressed. "Dang, right in front of you and can't copy it right!"
Hey, this happens all the time. I send two emails recently and spelling Dianne and in return email I see Diane. I don't do that! I go back and make sure! It's rude. I have a friend from France named Aurelie and Manisha. I made and still make sure that each time I spell their name correctly. People who reassign my name or try to "teach" me to spell it correctly aggravate me. It's disrespectful. And it happens all the time no matter where; no matter who. My last name has two n's also - that gets messed up by everyone too. It's rude. You don't arbitrarily decide to reassign and spell someones name the way you think it should be spelled.
Well the lady at the run package pick-up was the last straw so she got to hear about it! I mean come on - she was recopying one inch away - right in front of me.
I used to let it slide - but now I don't. You see I look up my stats on line and/or blog my name to get run results and more. So I have to spell my name six different ways from Sunday to finally find my results. And once again - it's just plain rude!
I then realized why I had this dream. I was juiced up with Bloc energy gels made with green tea caffeine and when I went to pick up my running packet I was in a hurry. And before I got there I knew it would be mass confusion and unorganized - and it was. I get to the table someone directed me to then after waiting and I get up to the woman she tells me to go over to another table and look up my number then come back. So I had to do that! Why not have the numbers at the table where the big woman so comfortably sat on her butt I thought. So then I had to get back in line after I retrieved my number and made sure that I still remembered it correctly when I got up to her. Stupid! Have the list there! Morons!
She then she tries to find the tag with my number. It doesn't exist - so she sends me to yet another table where that woman is going to re-register me and hand me another numbered tag. I wait in line yet again. Then as directed I fill out another entry form. She waits. Then she copies my name, age and sex onto another form. She spells my name wrong. Right in front of me. She can't even copy my name correctly. I jump on this! "You misspelled my name" I rather harshly expressed. "Dang, right in front of you and can't copy it right!"
Hey, this happens all the time. I send two emails recently and spelling Dianne and in return email I see Diane. I don't do that! I go back and make sure! It's rude. I have a friend from France named Aurelie and Manisha. I made and still make sure that each time I spell their name correctly. People who reassign my name or try to "teach" me to spell it correctly aggravate me. It's disrespectful. And it happens all the time no matter where; no matter who. My last name has two n's also - that gets messed up by everyone too. It's rude. You don't arbitrarily decide to reassign and spell someones name the way you think it should be spelled.
Well the lady at the run package pick-up was the last straw so she got to hear about it! I mean come on - she was recopying one inch away - right in front of me.
I used to let it slide - but now I don't. You see I look up my stats on line and/or blog my name to get run results and more. So I have to spell my name six different ways from Sunday to finally find my results. And once again - it's just plain rude!
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